Frankly, I have a lot on my mind and on my heart. In a way, everything that made my life explode this summer caught me completely off guard, but, on the other hand, what else can you expect when #1 - you're human, #2 - you live around other humans, #3 - you're human.
I feel like I'm getting a bathtub full of life lessons right now, and I'd better learn them quickly so that everything I have now will be easier to swallow and so that hopefully won't have to learn these lessons over again.
Life lesson 1 - It's okay to not have a plan.
Last night, I noticed two glaring things: At the ministry training info meeting, the leaders said, "We don't have a 5-year plan..." They don't know what God's going to have them do in five years or even next year. They just know what God wants them to do
now. Secondly, in Personal Leadership, Dr. Myers had us set goals (6 month goals, 1 year goals, and 5 year goals). Each of these goals was to be specific, achievable, and you needed to be able to know when you had achieved them (so nothing nebulous, you see). Actually, I'm just going to list what Dr. Myers explains as SMART goals right here:
Specific - What do you want to accomplish?
Measurable - How will you know when you've accomplished it?
Attainable - Can you accomplish this based on your gifts and resources?
Relevant - How does accomplishing your goal advance you to your overall agenda?
Time Specific - By when will you have accomplished this?
Example of a smart goal: I want to be up to the level of violin proficiency I was at my peak in two years. It meets all of the requirements. It's specific, measurable, attainable, it's relevant to how I want to use all of my gifts to the glory of God, and I want it to be finished in two years.
Attainable. That's the facet I thought was okay to dismiss. They tell us to "reach for the stars," don't they? "Be the best you can be!" I don't know yet what the best I can be is! Straight up, I can't do everything. I will never be an astronaut, I will never be a veterinarian, and I will never be a marine biologist. I don't have the resources for those things. Right now, I don't have the resources for living and working in Chattanooga. When I told people that this was my plan, I wasn't considering how I needed to be realistic about this goal. I wasn't even being realistic about how it's
okay to not have a super-sounding awesome plan.
I repeat (for my own benefit): It's
okay to not have a super-sounding awesome plan. It's okay to stay in the same town and live with your parents as you try to stand firmly on your own to feet. It's okay to bloom where you're planted. And it's definitely okay to pour your heart out into what God has for you
now.
Life lesson 2 - Success does not equal "the American dream."
Large, furnished, artistic and beautiful house; 2.5 pretty, educated, and well-behaved children; two status-implying cars; large, chic, never-the-same-twice wardrobe; dog and cat; adoring husband; enough happy friends to make 25 butterflies happy...
I was in Ikea this past Wednesday. I was facing a nicely decorated corner with a large window letting in the attractive natural light. Because I was facing the corner, I felt like I was actually in a house instead of in a store. There were no other people, just me and the furniture and the light. A very strange thought came unbidden: Is this what I'm supposed to be striving for? Is
this what I'm supposed to be striving for? Stuff? Looks? Appearances? Worldly pride? Hmm.
The American dream barely allows room for God, when you think about it, and I did think about it when a guy spoke about this very topic at Bible study a couple weeks ago. God wants us to depend absolutely on Him. He wants us to the point where we say, "God, without You, we're screwed." The American dream encourages pride. It suggests we can do it on our own. It tells us that we don't need anybody's help. This is a lie.
Life lesson 3 - A good Christ-following community is crucial to overall well being and growth.
Spiritually, I grew more in the four years I had of college than in the 17 years I had before. I almost feel like I've grown more in this past summer than in the four years of college, but that
might be a stretch. I sure have grown, though. A ton. Circa, my Bible study, brought me into fellowship with the most radical Christians I've ever gotten to know (except Bryan Rudolph, and those of you who know him know what I mean). Circa has facilitated so many intense encounters with my God, it's so exciting. The relationships I've been blessed with there have shown me what true Christianity is supposed to look like. Bryan College is great and taught me a lot, but it's not exactly a real life experience. There are certain expectations, requirements, and facades. Circa is, for most people, real. I have never been so challenged to grow closer to the Lord before in my entire life. I have never known His riches to be so delicious before. I feel safe and loved, valued, respected, and enjoyed. These people show me a glimpse of how Christ feels about me. ISN'T THAT AWESOME!?!?!
Life lesson 4 - People should be able to tell what you are waiting for by looking at what you are working for.
Thank you to Mike Manning for sharing wisdom from his father. This can be (and needs to be) applied to every aspect in my life: Chattanooga/Home/Career, my relationship with God, my relationship with each of my family members, violin proficiency, being in shape, having a clean room, etc.
Life lesson 5 - Do no worry about letting people down by not accomplishing what you said you're going to accomplish. (See LL 1)
I am having serious trouble with the tension about my career future. I freaked out, spilled my guts, and cried on my dad's shoulder this night. In fact, that experience led me to write all this. Back to what I was talking about...
Fact: I have been saying that I want to go work in Chattanooga and live with Millie in the Fall for about a school year.
Fact: I will not move to Chatty without first having a job there.
Fact: I don't have a job there.
Fact: I do have a job here at home.
Fact: I do have awesome opportunities here at home, opportunities to keep on with my Bible study group and take a ministry training course that I'm stoked about and that I really, really, really want to be able to fully commit to and invest into.
Fact: Because of this opportunity at home, I could not, in good conscience, immediately accept a Chatty job offer if I were given one tomorrow.
Fact: I also don't want to look like a quitter. I don't want people to think,"Well, Linja has been saying she's going to Chatty for so long, but she's still at home, with her parents, no less. Lame."
Fact: I experienced something similar last year when I had broken up with the guy I'd told everyone I was going to marry. No one judged me like I expected them to. True friends will still be true friends. I have no need to worry about this. No need at all.
Fact: I don't want to disappoint Millie.
Fact: Millie will love me unconditionally. Duh, I should know this by now.
Fact: I still don't know what to do. It may seem like I should go where I know the Lord is working, where I know the Lord would grow me, where I know I could afford to life, where I know I would continue to have a strong support group. However, perhaps He wants me to continue to pursue what could also be an opportunity for growth. Who knows what could be in store in Chattanooga? I don't. I don't know. Which leads me to the final
Fact: I am stressed. I wish I could know whether I should cut off my energy-sapping efforts to find a job in Chattanooga or in Georgia or maybe I should stay at the job I'm at.
Life lesson 6 - When you don't know what to do, do what you know the Lord has told you to do.I have a friend who's in a similar situation where he doesn't know exactly what the Lord's calling him to do. He does know, however, that God tells us to care for the widows and the orphans, so he's looking into getting involved with an orphanage. He knows that God tells us to love and to serve, so he's loving and serving right now where he is.
Love God. Love people. Be a servant. Seek Him. Trust Him. These are the things I know God has called me to do. These are what I need to be doing until I'm given further direction.
Dad says I shouldn't worry about decisions I don't need to make yet. "Don't waste a good panic. You might need it later." God's taken care of me today, and I know He'll take care of me tomorrow.
I crave any words of wisdom you might be able to share. I crave counsel right now, and I know that I need to seek the Lord. I'm begging Him that He'll open my eyes and ears and mind so that I will able to recognize and hear His voice.