When the big picture shifts, part 3

2017 has been one hell of a ride for me.  The scariest personal struggles came this spring, the summer saw both my husband and I become unemployed, and I'm currently in the midst of my second big "is God even real?" dilemma (and this go round is lasting much longer than the first one in 2010).  With the first hard situation, relationship problems if I'm honest, it was a very few close friends and my faith that pulled me out of the darkness.  I couldn't have made it toward the light without either of those two strongholds.  Here in August, I have this new, hard, jobless situation on my hands and my faith is weaker and not as steady, and it absolutely sucks not having that assurance in my heart in the midst of the turmoil.

What makes the job problem easier to bear are the skills, experience, and professional network I have on my side.  Sure, God may be there, too, but the tangible safety net feels much more real these days.  For those of you who don't walk in faith or religion, please understand me when I say that having the physical safety net without the spiritual is very, very uncomfortable for me.  For as long as I can remember living, I've had a near constant belief that there is a God, that this God loves me, and that this God provides for me in everything.  This concept is such a comfort and encouragement, and I have my own experiences where that reality, the reality of God's existence, was made glaringly true to me.  I even have collected stories of the miraculous and supernatural in the lives of my friends and my immediate family.  (My immediate family.  As in, I can call up my sister right now and have her tell you about her back being healed through prayer and the laying on of hands.  Strange happenings, my friends.)

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This spring, a friend of mine introduced me to The Liturgists podcast, and while it has been a breeding ground for my doubt, I think that's only because it's a safe place for doubt.  One of the first episodes I listened to wrapped the warmest blanket around me when the speaker said doubt only has the power we give it.  It doesn't have to be dangerous, and you don't have to be afraid of it.  Our perspective of God changes as we change, just like all our relationships change.  And as we grow and learn more about ourselves, our history, the Bible, and whatever else it is you're delving deeper in, our beliefs and ideas will naturally shift.  This is what life looks like, everyone goes through this, and where you are right now with your faith or lack thereof is okay.  You don't have to pretend everything's fine if it's not.

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I can't tell you how thankful I am to not be in the environment where I grew up anymore.  I went to a Southern Baptist church and went to a private Christian school ran by an Independent Baptist church.  Philosophical curiosity wasn't encouraged much in either of those arenas, nor in my home, for that matter.  (I remember taking a break from my encyclopedia computer game, pausing on a snake I clicked that brought up information about the snake's significance in Hinduism.  My mom saw the screen and forbade me from playing the game any longer.)  Perhaps it's a good thing my mind was so young and eager to please at that time.  I never had theistic doubts or concerns.  Instead, I got straight A's in my Bible classes.  I do know, though, that wrestling with these things in school or maybe even at home wouldn't have been met with much understanding or kindness.  And that's why I'm glad my mind waited until adulthood to start looking sideways at what I've been brought up to believe for 29 years.

Now I have a live-in best friend who tells me it's okay, that he loves me, and that if I have any questions or if I'd like to talk about it, he's there to listen and chat.  My BFF in Oregon is a rock of faith herself but doesn't force anything in our conversations and gives such beautiful rest from worry.  Other friends around me are going through similar doubts and also have no judgment for me whatsoever, which is an amazing and unexpected breath of fresh air.  The lack of condemnation makes this struggle easier, safer, and much less scary.

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As bizarre as it may sound, at this moment I am content as I wait for answers and confirmation, and I think I'd be content if I never have the certainty I used to.  I'm starting to accept that God, whatever or whomever God is, is mystery.  One of our pastors shared last year that, if there is a God, we're not going to understand Him/Her/It completely.  It doesn't make sense to try to put God in a box to we've made to better understand the divine, either.  Furthermore, if God were someone or something we could explain absolutely and comprehend absolutely, it wouldn't be much of a God.

So this is where I'm at.  Generally comfortable with the discomfort of not knowing.  Open to the possibilities of having my mind changed.  Hopeful that I will find the truth and that the truth will be a benevolent God who's on our side, working everything for our good.  The moments when my mind goes deeper and starts to consider the possibility of that not being the truth are terrifying, especially when considering the afterlife, but I've started to move forward and to search for answers.  I hope what I find is beautiful.

Recommended with August

Since August is my birthday month, the links I'll be sharing this go round are all about some of my favorite things.

Plants

Edible terrarium desserts!  How cute!

Also, however many plants I may have in my home, I'm pretty sure I'll never be at this level.

I love kokedama hanging string gardens, but they always look so precarious.  Turns out they're pretty easy to make, though.  Check out this kokedama tutorial with care tips.

Puppies

I will have this ridiculously happy shiba vine bookmarked forever and for always.  (sound on)

Made me laugh.  A lot.

Tea

15 different cultural tea traditions from Mental Floss - I really like learning about things like this!

Zen Tea is based in Atlanta, and I've discovered my all time favorite loose leaf in their store.  Chocolate mint rooibos has cozy, bright, and comfort all wrapped up into one delicious blend.  Right now they have it on their online store as part of their rooibos sampler pack, but if you're in Atlanta, stop by their Chamblee brick and mortar and get yourself a bag!

Other awesome things

When the font you use gets you convicted of a crime

I just learned about Museum Hack, a company that makes trips to the museum even cooler than they already are!

Really feeling this silver hairstyle these days.  My own silver strands have started cropping at both my temples, now, so it's only a matter of time!

Happy August!

When the big picture shifts, part 2

What they don't tell you about getting a B.A. in Communication Studies is how vague and nondescript it is.  In one of my first interviews after college, the guy across the desk from me asked "So what does Communications mean?" and I honestly didn't know what to tell him, though it may be a testament to what I did learn at college that I was able to pull something out of thin air to satisfy his question in the moment.

Right after college, I had my old summer job at Office Depot that kept me busy for about another year.  Then, after having little luck in landing a "real" job, I left the country for the promise of a salary and benefits in exchange for teaching ESL in Korea.  Turns out having "Korea" on my resume was what got me the interview for my first "real American" job, 7 months after I returned to the States.  I worked as an administrative assistant/receptionist/office manager in a small office for a year and a half or so, and I really enjoyed it.  I loved supporting a tiny team and building those internal relationships.  The job also confirmed that I am a killer organizer, a fast learner, and great at getting stuff done.  I had outgrown the job, though, and needed something new to keep me interested and fulfilled, so into the fast-paced startup world I went as a Campus Operations Manager for The Iron Yard, then a glorified global customer service coordinator, financial services rep, curriculum editor, new hire trainer, and all around Swiss army knife.  (I have a thing for small companies and many hats.)

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Maybe you already knew some of this, but long story short, today is my last day.  When I first heard the news that The Iron Yard was closing and I had two weeks before being unemployed, one of my biggest anxieties was figuring out what in the world to do next.  Having a degree in communications supposedly sets you up for almost anything (that's what the career counselor said), but it's seemed to me to be more of a jack-of-all-trades degree, the kind that doesn't give you any real direction or real skill.  This led me to look beyond my college experience to my professional experience and even my hobbies, and I've decided to try and pursue a career in editing and/or writing.

Remember, I've never had a career path.  I've been a vagabond in my professional trajectory, and stepping out on something that started as a side hustle and a hobby is frightening.  I'm afraid to fail.  I'm afraid to get the job but find that I hate it.  I'm afraid that the main reason why I want this is because I'm a pretentious and prideful person and saying "I'm an editor" sounds like I am somebody.  But, I do want to give this a shot.  I want to leave it all out on the court and see what happens.  That was my perspective when Caleb and I started dating (and got engaged... and actually that perspective stayed with me until my wedding day), and it turned out pretty great.  Editing and I have so much going for us, it would be a cop out to not try it.  So here I am, going forward into the unknown!

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On the practical side of things, I am craving advice, encouragement, and job leads, and if you can help with either of those, I'd be grateful.  Even if the job hunt takes longer because of it, Caleb and I are staying in Atlanta for the time being.  We've also taken up a side hustle as dog boarders through Rover, which has been fun so far.  (Sign up here to get $20 off your first booking (shameless plug).  Gotta get that cash so I can have all those coffee dates with professional mentors.)  Feel free to pass along my LinkedIn profile to anyone who may be interested, and comment below or email me through the button on the right of the page with anything that could be helpful!

Caleb and I have both dealt with unemployment before, but not since 2012 and not since coming into our own, professionally.  It's a blow to be back on the beat again, but I am confident that this season won't last long.  We're both smart, capable, and at least somewhat charming people, and we have a lot of people who love us.  I'll be sure to update y'all when I have good news to share, and I hope that happens soon!