Wednesday, January 23, 2013

My insecurities

Heads Up

This post comes from someone in the alienation phase of reverse culture shock (also known as the irritability and hostility phase).  The thoughts and emotions expressed here seem more dramatic than usual, but this transition makes life more dramatic than usual.  Also, my heart has been hurt.  For some reason, I've decided to write about it.

Is security with yourself something you're born with and is then taken away or is it something you have to learn and be taught?

You know, I have friends younger than me and older than me who aren't afraid of what people think of them.  They are so confident being themselves.  They are beautiful, vibrant, and interesting.  I like to think most people are beautiful, vibrant, and interesting, but these people I know are so unapologetically bold, that they stand out in just the right way.

I wish I were like them.
I with I didn't care about being popular and about everybody liking me.

Be true to yourself.  Don't worry about what other people think.  Their approval isn't important.

My feelings get hurt when I'm not included.
I worry about being weird when I get a strange response from something I said.
 I imagine I'm friendless when I discover I haven't been invited to that thing everyone else is going to.
I feel foolish when I realize I am embarrassingly inappropriately dressed for a night out at a bar.  (I didn't know what people wore for those kinds of evenings.)

So I'll try to remember the things my brave, secure friends said or what they would say.
Why would I want to be close friends with those people anyway?  Their lifestyle isn't the one I always want for myself.
One of the reasons you weren't invited was because you were usually with a different group of friends, right?  And you really enjoyed being with that group, didn't you?
You were made to be you, you have been given a personalized collage of God's own personality, you were made for Him, and you were not made for others.

Actually, I really just want a hug and for someone to tell me I'm okay.  I don't want to hear these words from me, I want to hear them from someone who loves me.  It's when these truths come from a voice that I trust that they mean something.  Right now, they're only half truths.

But, I bet I'm not alone.  I do know that much.  And I know I do have people who love me.

One day I will be in a place where I completely belong.
I've been yearning for that day and that place a little more than usual lately.
It gets better, I know, but I wish I were more resilient and that I arrived at these low places on a much rarer basis.  Is security something you can learn at 24?


  1. Security is something that can ALWAYS be learned. I didn't learn until I was in college, but I'm so glad I did. I like to watch this if I'm beginning to feel down about myself. So watch and repeat!

  2. After living in Asia and teaching/writing there for over 8 years, I can relate. I'm the one who wears the funky plaid socks with pants and boots that don't match. Not on purpose. Just because. And reverse culture shock, well, I'd like to deny it's existence but I know it is real. I've experienced it...from re-entering the culture of my birth, to trying to make friends when I 'feel' left behind, to the strange feeling that my heart belongs in two countries. Hang in there.

  3. Kelly and Lisa, I usually think I'm going through these things alone. Thanks for reminding me I'm not. :)


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