All photos by Claire Mandrycky from The Birth Story Collective
Prelude
Since 2010, we’ve known not to ask people about their personal family choices, right? We don’t ask women if they’re pregnant (unless they’re at least 7 months big). We don’t ask whether or when they’ll have children. We mind our own business and respect their privacy.
Some people buck the system.
One person changed my life.
Enter Madeline, a baby-loving friend’s baby-loving midwife. (You see where this is going...) We met at a friend’s party and, while chatting, she asked - she straight-up asked! - if we were going to have anymore children. Well, no, I explained. See, with my firstborn’s medical complexities and additional surgeries on her horizon, I didn’t feel comfortable adding another kiddo to the mix. Plus, having to split myself so thoroughly to care for infant twins was excruciating on my heart, and I didn’t want to split my attentions again.
But, Madeline said, what if another kid were another member of my firstborn’s team? What if having another sibling were a good thing for her.
Oh. Oh goodness.
Five months later, I was pregnant with our third child.
Chapter 1
As days passed by and we came to the 41st week of gestation, a small pressure came to our minds. This really could be the day. Some fears of the pain would come for me. Some fears of the length of labor. “What if I become overwhelmed again and can’t make it to the birth on my own?” But, being afraid wasn’t the end of those moments.
I read somewhere that fear is a natural part of the process. Even if you’ve birthed before, birth is still unknown and still intense. It’s nothing to fear, but fear makes sense. And - bravery makes sense, too.
I worked to not feed the fears and didn’t give them much time. Instead, I fed the bravery, though if I’m honest, I really didn’t spend much time dwelling on either the fear or the bravery. I just moved on to whatever was next in my day or I thought about what my dream birth looked like.
Cozy, close, quiet, undisturbed. Safe and protected. Unremarkable. Simple and straightforward. And then getting to meet and see and hold my baby and discover what we would call them. (We did not learn the sex beforehand, just like with our twin daughters.)
Chapter 2
Sunday, November 26, dawned with no baby to show for it. I was glad to go to church for what might be one more time to partake of the sacrament, for myself and my baby, Afterward, we went home for a relaxed afternoon, though Caleb did take the girls to pick out a Christmas tree. “This might be our last free weekend,” he said.
While they were gone, I did some kitchen work and made another batch of spoonable pumpkin chai to stow away for my postpartum meals. I cleaned a bit, too, until I heeded my husband’s words to me before he left: “you’re going to be birthing a baby soon. Rest while we’re gone.”
Rest looked like laying in bed, listening to podcast and playing on my phone. I was also timing my contractions with the Freya app (I highly recommend - I loved their analytics feature).
After a little bit, I noticed some consistency to some contractions I was feeling. They seemed to be about 8 minutes apart, and I realized that the onset of the next one had become reliable, not random. I still wasn’t certain that this was labor for about an hour, I think. The first sign I should have recognized was how I did not want to participate in decorating the tree. I decidedly wanted to be in bed, alone.
This was around 4pm. Around 5pm, I was reading a fairytale to my daughters while they cuddled in my bed. Whenever a contraction came, I would have to pause my reading and close my eyes for a while. The girls noticed something was different. Caleb noticed something was different. He decided that today was the day before I did and told me to call the midwife to let her know (6pm).
This was also the time when I started to vocalize a bit during some of my contractions.
After finishing dinner, I went to my bed to rest. Caleb started to move the girls toward bedtime. At 7pm, he told me he wanted to ping the doula team. I did not need a doula at this point and didn't see how having them at our home would help, but our entire birth team was hired, not just to support me, but to support Caleb and I. So of course I let him make that call.
Chapter 3
Claire, our doula from The Birth Story Collective, arrived at our home at 8:15pm, once our daughters were in bed. Claire is the doula who was on call for when Emma Jane and Caroline were born, and when I came out of my bedroom to request more electrolyte water, I was glad she was the doula on call for this birth, too.
I told her it was good to see her, I was totally fine, and I apologized for how it would probably be a long time until the birth. “I hope you brought a book or something,” I said. She said that of course it was nothing to apologize for and that she would be here for however long we needed her. (8:45pm)
I had been able to get a few winks of sleep in between contractions and went back into my dark and cozy room for more rest. This time, though, I wasn’t able to get back into that sleep zone. After a while of trying to get deeper rest, I asked if Caleb would come and read to me in bed (The Hidden Life of Trees).
Caleb got through about a chapter of the book before I realized that he should be trying to rest, too. “Yeah, Claire suggested I take a nap,” he said, so we sent him off to rest on the office couch, and I went back to catching rest in between contractions alone.
Claire visited me in my room at 9:45. I had dim lighting on in the dark room, and I heard her say “it’s so cozy in here.” Cozy and womb-like was part of my vision for my laboring environment, and this was definitely the vibe that night. Claire helped me get warm as I had started to feel really chilly and gave me some space so that I could remain alone like I wanted.
It didn’t take long before I noticed some of my contractions feeling intensely uncomfortable. I had to remind myself to breathe and release. I told myself over and over again, “soften, open, surrender,” but those toe-curling contractions sometimes hit me really hard. I decided to shift from lying in bed to standing next to the bed with my arms on the bed supporting me (like an sideways "L"). This helped make the contractions more manageable, though some of them would still sneak in some great pain.
Around 10pm, I called for Claire and asked her to bring a stool for me to sit on while I rested between these contractions. She put a pillow on the stool for me to make it even gentler on my body, and she helped me remember to breathe and relax when my body got wildly tense.
Knowing that each contraction was temporary and that I could count on getting some rest between them helped keep my mind steady. There was no fear there, except for the few times during early labor when I was wondering, “is this really labor, or is it going to stop and then I’ll have to do this all over again when our time really has come?”
Claire suggested we time some contractions so we could give the midwife the info. Still able to talk lucidly between most contractions, I pulled my phone over to her, excitedly showing her the Freya app I was using to track contractions. “This thing is great!” As she timed, we continued to chat between contractions. I told her a small story about Caroline, and we were just about to get into dissing on my past OB when I needed more rest and stopped talking.
At some point, I noticed an energy shift in me - there was a new kind of opening and deepening. Something very intimate and sensual, reminiscent of very connected sex. I commented on this and joked that Claire should avert her eyes, but having her presence felt comforting, a bit like having a guardian. (I’m really, really thankful that I had Claire there, who I fully trusted and felt safe enough to be in this extremely vulnerable place with.)
These contractions Claire timed were 5-2 minutes apart. Earlier, I had said to Claire, “can you be the one to keep an eye out for when we need to call the midwife?” I only wanted to focus on my body, not logistics. After seeing how close together these contractions were, Claire said it would be a good time to call the midwife. I switched over to the phone app on my phone for her and continued doing my thing while she made the call. That was at 10:58pm.
Chapter 4
A few minutes later, my contractions switched from the intense pressure kind over to what I recognized from my education as the fetal ejection reflex (FER). I told Claire that I felt my body pushing!
I had learned about the FER a couple years ago. Allowing it to activate in my body was absolutely part of my birth goals, as I knew it would make pushing so much easier. I had thought that the initiation of the FER signaled that birth would come in 30 seconds or so, but I still had a few minutes to go. There was time for Claire to say “Should I get Caleb?” Yes, definitely get Caleb!
He had not napped after all, and he didn’t fully grasp what was happening in my room. He texted his mom at 11pm to say that we had called the midwife before sauntering over to join us where I was laboring. He basically walked into the birth as it was happening.
None of us were afraid. There may have been adrenaline coursing through Caleb, maybe Claire, but I think all of us trusted what was happening. My midwife Morgan, her assistant, and myself had all had a feeling that mine would be a quick and straightforward birth. And, while it didn’t come to mind in the moment, I had taken heart from something Morgan had told me. “Whenever a birth goes really quickly, it’s 99% of the time because everything is going so well. It’s because it’s an uncomplicated birth.”
The contractions I had via the FER were awesome. No longer painful, these were productive. I trusted these contractions and knew that they were bringing this labor to an end. I knew that my baby was coming. My body was doing all the work for me, and instead of anything like the pained wails from before, my vocalizations became much lower groans, timed with each push my body was making. At times, my knees felt very weak, but I maintained my standing position over the bed until the end.
There were maybe 2-3 of these ejection contractions - each with a few pushes - before I felt the baby ready to emerge. At this point, I called out “I need someone to catch my baby!” Caleb’s would have surely passed out if he undertook such a thing, so thankfully Claire was there to step in. She had a towel and knelt behind me. Somewhere, Morgan was on speaker phone, and Caleb must have turned on the overhead light. There was a bit of a flurry when he came in and saw that action was needed, but I think everything stilled when the birth came into strict focus for all of us.
The head, then the shoulders, then the rest of the baby emerged. I felt no pain.
I heard a baby’s cry.
I did it.
I fucking did it.
I was flooded with pride and self confidence!
And then I saw the bundle Claire was holding up to me from between my legs.
A baby!
Oh my god, a baby!
I almost couldn’t believe it. It was suddenly so real, so tangible! A baby! I did all that - my body did all that, and I get to have a baby at the end!?
Holding the child to my belly, I laid back on the bed riding a surge of hormones through laughter and tears for what felt like 3 minutes. I was flooded with positive emotions. I was so, so happy, and I could have stayed there a long time in bliss, but Caleb and Claire wanted to get things a bit more rearranged for the umbilical cord’s sake.
I was saying, “I did it! I did this!”
Caleb was saying, “You did it! I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of you.”
Laying down a chux pad on the bed, I got comfy and cozy with a blanket over me and the babe. There was some cleaning done around me, but there wasn’t much mess at this time. My waters never noticeably broke - they must have just been on the verge of being fully absorbed by the baby, I think.
I held the baby and rested, and this was so good. Then I wondered what the sex of the baby was. Though Claire had noticed, she didn’t want to spoil the secret for us, so Caleb checked and told me we had a girl. A girl! I had been deeply hoping for a girl, though most of the people who knew me told me it was going to be a boy (even my midwife). We still hadn’t settled on a girl name, but we had time to figure it out. There was no pressure to worry or rush about in this moment.
Morgan asked a few questions over the phone in the minutes right after the birth. She was looking at the clock on her car dashboard when she heard the first baby cries - 11:09pm.
Chapter 5
I was resting with the baby in my arms. There must have been some chatter here and there, there must have been adrenaline still pulsing through all three of us adults, but the atmosphere was one of happiness, surprise, safety, and awe.
Claire had never caught a baby before. I asked her later if she felt too out of her depth. She said, “I can confidently say I don't think there was an ounce of fear felt in that room during or after her birth - just steadiness and sureness in her delivery - and I felt absolute delight, awe, and amazement of you, her, and what just transpired afterward. I love the hour following her birth and the happy tears, the recounting of events and Caleb telling you repeatedly how proud he was of you.”
When I later asked Caleb if he had been afraid, he told me, “Everything happened too fast for me to be afraid. I was mostly just in shock. Things went from ‘oh, okay, the midwife’s on the way, everything’s going smoothly,’ to ‘there’s a baby’ so fast!”
When Morgan arrived 15 minutes after Baby Girl, there was a bit more activity, but everything was still peaceful. I still sat and rested, now with the baby nursing with a good latch.
After some time, we checked the umbilical cord to see if it had stopped pulsing. I cut the cord and Morgan asked if I’d like her to feel for where the placenta was. When she informed me it was in the birth canal, ready to come out, I handed Baby to Caleb and moved to the bathroom where the placenta emerged with no fuss. I got in the shower to clean off while chatting with Morgan. Everything felt so relaxed and normal. Claire helped be a bit after my shower with drying off and such, and when I returned to the bedroom, I got to be comfy again, all nice and clean.
Morgan conducted Baby’s health exam on the bed with Caleb taking down the notes on his phone. He and I both breathed hidden, shaky sighs of relief with the news of a perfect health check. (Neither of us had realized the fullness of our secret fears of medical complications.) After this, he mentioned that, since everything was wonderful and I was well taken care of, he should probably get some sleep before needing to care for our older girls in the morning. After goodnight kisses, he left for the couch in the office again for some sleep.
Morgan, Claire, and I remained together a bit longer while Morgan examined the placenta. The placenta reflects the mother’s health and nutrition during her pregnancy - something I had put a lot of effort toward. I wanted the chance to see how healthy my placenta was, and we got gold stars all around. Morgan also pointed out that the top of my placenta was shaped like a heart. She either hadn’t seen this shape before or had rarely seen it and marked it as something special.
Baby was resting deeply, and Morgan commented that she would probably sleep most of the night. I said, “Well, then y’all should clear out soon so I can rest too!” Most of the cleaning had already been finished. All that was left was to tell them where to find the small thank you gifts I had prepared for them earlier and to let them tuck me in for bed.
Chapter 6
Laying down for sleep, in my own bed with my baby, with spare diapers within reach and everything at peace, it was perfect. This baby was perfect. My birth was perfect.
I had planned on a water birth, but with the birthing pool in Morgan’s car and Morgan's late arrival, that didn’t happen. In reflecting, I noticed how I had counted on the birthing pool to bring me relief and to help me get through the birth. I had put a lot of faith and hope in that birthing pool, in a similar way to how I had put faith and hope in my hypnobabies self hypnosis for my first birth. During that first birth, when the intensity of the contractions broke through my self-hypnosis calm, I had some panic and fear of the pain and asked for something to block the pain, which I received.
This time, having that hopeful birthing pool out of my grasp meant that I birthed all on my own, entirely by myself without any help but my breath and my focus. It made for an incredibly empowering experience. The birth itself was pretty breezy, too. I think I had maybe 25 contractions that felt “unbearable,” but I bore them. Each one was temporary. And I had a rest break after each one.
I’m glad mine wasn’t a water birth. I’m thankful for how this birth showed me what I’m capable of.
I had also hoped for our older daughters to attend the birth, but logistics had them in bed at the time. This was probably best, too, as all the adults were completely busy. Before they had gone to sleep, I think they were aware that “mom was going to birth a baby soon.” Caroline had told me, “I hope you have a good rest, Mom.” And then, first thing when they saw their dad in the morning, they asked if there was a new baby. Them getting to meet their new sister in the daylight was no less special.
Chapter 7
Don’t tell Caleb, but I think it was a secret goal of mine to birth unassisted.
I believed that my body was capable, I believed that my birth would be straightforward and that there would be no complications. And I thought, “I want to try this. I want to try this on my own.”
This is not me admitting to intentionally waiting to call the midwife before it was too late. I swear, swear, swear that was not my intention. I was in the birthing zone and had given that responsibility to Claire (who thankfully made the call for us!), but I also had a faster-than-expected labor. My contractions went from around 7 minutes apart to 5 to 3 much quicker than I thought they would. I chuckled later at how I had apologized to Claire for what was sure to be a long and boring night!
Regardless of the plans, the birth I received was indeed perfect. It has been such a gift of reclamation. My first pregnancy and birth involved the loss of autonomy over my own birth and body, not all of it freely given. There are myriad regrets I have over the birth specifically - things I wish I’d known, things I wish I’d declined, things I wish I’d done - but here with this November 2023 birth, I reclaimed my sovereignty.
And of course it was a huge bonus that everything did indeed go smoothly. It went perfectly. It was unremarkable. Safe. Could not have been improved upon.
About a month before, Morgan had told me that she had nothing but positive impressions of how my birth would go. That I had put in the work and prepared beautifully. That the birth was going to go well, and it wasn’t going to be because of luck, it would be because of my preparation. I am thankful.
I’d also like to mention the God and saints I petitioned for a safe and healthy birth. The Theotokos and my patron saint, St. Brigid (who’s also a patron saint of midwives), were included in my birth team. I prayed to them often ahead of the birth and petitioned them for aid in the early stages of my labor, as well. It's been really special to introduce my baby to these women through their icons. (Plus, here's a side quest birth story episode for my astrology nerd friends.)
Epilogue
Margaret Claire received her name the day after her birth. Caleb said it’s a name that you can really sink your teeth into. Paired with “Claire,” I think it’s beautiful. And, it’s a very happy synchronicity that she shares a name with Claire, our doula. Claire our doula who was there when I took back my sovereignty over birth and over my body.
Settling in after Baby’s arrival was easy. My recovery was easy. In comparison to my first birth and postpartum experience, everything was easy. Margaret and I shared a womb-like cocoon in my room. It didn't feel isolating, it felt peaceful, with no obligations. My favorite. And in the protected postpartum phase, we asked for help and received it. We were given food, support, and check-ins. I wanted this season to last forever. Everything was just so idyllic. So romantic. So perfect. It very well may be the best time of my life.
