As of late

 

Hi there,

While there are many things I would like to write about right now, instead I will give a list of those topics that might make their way to this stage of a blog in the future. These are ideas or projects I've had swirling in my hand and out of my fingertips. I have been kept busy, but I've also - somehow - found time to luxuriate in personal projects and, glory of glories, reading. Reading for fun (the ultimate luxury these days). 

Things I want to write about:

• My first experience as a freelancer: I've been doing technical ghostwriting this last month or so! I'm proud of my work and especially proud of how I've used this as a boundary-finding opportunity. Time isn't infinite over here, and I've found a good balance on maintaining my time-related sanity (mostly).
• Sewing: I've bought a vintage sewing machine, had it serviced, and I've learned how to thread it and sew a line of stitches! I have a bold plan for my first make: a self-drafted open back tank top, with gauze, no less. I've thrifted many yards of fabric secondhand for toiles, and I'm so excited to get started on the learn-by-failing process!
• Education philosophy: I'm 99% certain I'm going to homeschool my kids or at least do some mix of home-based learning and... and something. I'm sold on Waldorf as a foundation, plus forest schooling, and especially while they're still very young, Montessori. I have so many thoughts, feelings, and ideas about this, and I really, really want to find people in my area interested in the same thing.
  
• Building like-minded community, on Instagram and in real life(!!!): I've been trying to bring a bit of a focus to my Instagram content in the hopes of attracting others with similar interests. I really want to find a tribe to join, but I'm also trying to build my own, at least a little bit.
• Foraging: I've gotten a real kick out of crafting some herbal remedies this summer, and I'm reading a book about Southern Folk Medicine right now and reveling in all the oldness of it.
  
• Paganism: The religion that's caught my attention lately, I've been learning about the struggle for freedom and power between the first Christians and the pagans, and I've been learning about how neopagans seek to keep some of the ancient traditions alive. I'm especially drawn to the holy days of the pagan calendars that mark the changes of the season.  I think that's such a lovely way to ground the passage of time - to connect one's life seasons with the seasons of the Earth.
• And as always: books, loose leaf tea, houseplants, and the exciting new things my kids are learning.
  

My chosen resources for pregnancy

If you follow me on Instagram, you've likely seen me talk a bit about being surprised by pregnancy, which was only outdone by being surprised by twins. TL;DR I'm carrying twins who will probably arrive in August, and no, twins do not run in the family. We don't know the sex of our kiddos yet, because why not get one more surprise, right?

I thought it would be at least another year before I became a mom, and being flung into the pregnancy process and preparation has been a whirlwind with almost every negative emotion you could think of. I may talk more about my emotional atmosphere of this pregnancy later, because mine is a story I haven't heard before, but today we'll stick with the practical things.

These resources below have been a huge help so far. I'm no mommy blogger, meaning, I'm new to this and there are tons of more practiced voices on this subject, but the value I've gotten from these things has been great. Maybe they'll be great for some readers, too.

Books

• Mindful Birthing by Nancy Bardacke  : This is the first place where my fear and trepidation around delivering was calmed. I can't believe how different my perspective is since reading this book. Terror has turned to empowerment, and Mindful Birthing is the reason why I am eager to have a vaginal, unmedicated birth and the reason why I think I'd be a total badass at it.
• Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin  : Similar to Mindful Birthing, this book portrays a completely different perspective on birth than the usual. Ina May is an OG midwife who's seen it all and who shares her wisdom and encouragement. She taught me to trust my body to do what it knows to do in birthing. This book has the power to completely change America's prenatal and maternity care.  The first part shares birth stories (no twins, though), and the second part talks about childbirth, what it's like, how to make things more comfortable, etc.
• Expecting Better by Emily Oster  :  I hate being told what to do anyway, but when someone's telling me what to do with my body, they better have a good reason. That's where Expecting Better came in. Emily Oster analyzes the data behind colloquial and medical pregnancy advice and then empowers you to make decisions for yourself on things like drinking alcohol, eating tuna, epidurals, and vitamin K shots.
• Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman  :  This delightful book on French parenting was the first parenting book I read and has informed a good deal about what I want to bring to my family. I took many notes about "the pause," French sleep training, and creating freedom within boundaries. Here's a good recap of the book if you'd like to take a look.
• Cribsheet by Emily Oster  : Emily Oster's second book digs into the research again, but this time with how parenting choices impact kids in the short-term and long-term. (It's also funny.)

Tangible Things

• Hypnobabies classes  :  A friend of mine recommended a hypnobabies birthing class, and I'd remembered Rubyellen from Cakies sharing how her hypnobirthing classes were amazing for her. I decided to try it. The self-induced hypnosis used in this method has been used as anesthesia substitute for surgery patients, and using the same technique for birth seems to be a great path toward a comfortable, even pleasurable birth. I'm looking forward to trying it in real life!
• Yoga and my studio  : The teachers and students at my yoga studio have been a huge encouragement. Many days I've not wanted to get out of bed because my body felt so blah. Showing up to the mat and being welcomed by smiling faces who encourage me at every turn has kept wind in my sails.
• An OB I agree with  : Not-fun fact : pregnancies with multiples (twins or more) are automatically considered high risk in the medical field. There are more opportunities for complications, including emergency c-section, which leads to a lot more hovering of care providers and being required to deliver in the operating room, just in case. I see the reasoning behind these measures, but I also see room for more flexibility in some areas. In my 5th month, I found and switched to an OB who I better align with. I'll still have to birth in the OR, but he's happy to make a lot more accommodations than the usual doctor, as long as things are going well. He's also less trigger happy with c-sections, and I believe he's my best bet for a vaginal twin birth in Atlanta. Having him on the team, I feel so much more comfortable and relieved.
• Maternity clothes  :  
• For early on, the ponytail holder trick will allow you to wear your pants for longer.
• Bra extenders were a great investment.  Amazon sells small packs of them.
• There are tons of maternity clothes options out there, and I'd like to add  the Storq leggings and dress to the list of the good ones. (The bra, tunic, and pencil skirt I wasn't as big a fan of.)
• Being pregnant during Georgia summers with a huge belly compelled me to stock up on long flowy dresses.  I have this, this, and this one.  (This is one area where I let my eco-conscious goals fall into second place in favor of cost and convenience.)
• Another huge recommendation : secondhand clothing!
• Lastly, as a small effort intrying to keep my wardrobe sustainable, I try to find stuff I'd feel comfortable wearing after birth, too, like long tanks or flowy dresses. I wish myself luck in getting through this without having to drop too much cash and without having to look frumpy.   (See my Pinterest board of actually cute maternity clothes.) 
• Other  :  While I'm not sure how these things will impact my birthing yet, I regular do these things that were recommended to me both by a close friend and my hypnobabies instructor.
• Drink red raspberry leaf tea : This tea supports uterine health both pre- and post-birth.
• Lots of squats and/or wall sits : This strengthens pushing muscles.
• Perineal massage : This helps stretch the body for the kid's way out.
• Hiring a doula : This helps cultivate a calm, respectful, and iterative environment for birthing.

Twin-Specific Things

• (Book) What to Do When You're Having Two by Natalie Diaz  :  Finally, a book for twin moms that isn't lame, that talks about the important stuff, and that gives me the information I actually need!  Diaz is very by the book (I'm not), but she also shares a lot of useful information and tips that I'd never thought of before.
• (Online community & blog) Twiniversity  : Everything here is twin-specific and was founded by Natalie Diaz, author of the book I described above.  They have online forums, a so-so podcast, and kind of helpful blog posts, all created by and for parents of twins.
• (Online community & blog) Lucy's List  :  Lucy's List has a mom-of-multiples (MOM) email drip campaign that has been helpful and informative.  Here's their Twin page.  I also love their huge spreadsheet of twin-specific nursery recommendations.  This spreadsheet is intense, and it took me weeks to go through everything, but a lot of my nursery and gear decisions were informed by this sheet.
• (Podcast episodes)  :  Here are some twin-related episodes of The Birth Hour podcast I found empowering and encouraging.
  
• Delivering a breeched Baby A  :  This mama did an incredible job of advocating for herself against the hospital team that pressured her to get a C-Section
• Birth center twin birth
• Other twin birth stories I haven't gotten to yet

Other

• The transformation of a woman to a mother  :  TED Talk on this second "adolescence" for women
• The Birth Hour  :  A positive podcast where women tell their birth stories 
• The Double Shift  :  a reported, narrative podcast about a new generation of working mothers.
• Baby Weight : The heavy truth of motherhood  :  Article on Medium on the burden motherhood places on women
• Facebook groups  :  Good place to find lightly used gear, play groups, and encouragement
• Daddy Up  : This is the least lame pregnancy tracking app I've found on Android. It's geared toward Dad and is minimal, but still fun. I checked The Bump and What to Expect's websites for weekly updates, but all the other pregnancy apps weren't my style.
• Nordic Nursery Vision Board  :  Minimalist, gender-neutral nursery and gear inspiration
• "God Our Mother"  :  A beautiful poem that elevates motherhood and reveals it as a reflection of the Divine

Have you read any of these books? Have you at one time been terrified of pregnancy or birth?  Comment below with your thoughts, I'd love to hear!

The Most Dangerous Writing App

I did something brand new this week.  I opened up the most dangerous writing app and spent 5 minutes writing down my stream of consciousness.  I had 5 minutes, and I had to keep typing or else all progress would be lost.  This is what I wrote, heavily inspired by Jeff Goins' newsletter, which I read religiously in 2011.  It'd be hard for me to articulate why, but I think it's important for me to publish this here.

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Here we are, together, reading through my writing.  I'm not really sure what I'm doing or why I'm doing this, but I want to be a writer.  I want to be good at it.  And I want people to read it.

The trouble is, I'm not always sure what I have to say.  What value can I add to the world that hasn't already been churned out by hundreds, thousands of others.  Thousands of other writers who've been doing this for years.  Thousands of people who are better than me.

And I know what they say.  There's always room at the top, and nobody ever starts there.  But isn't the space at the bottom just too saturated?  Can there really be a place for me at the table?

And I know what I need to do.  I need to practice.  I need to put myself out there.  I need to find people who will critique and suggest and build up and tear down my work.  (It sounds so professional and "together" when I call it "my work.")

And so, as I move forward into the uncertainty, into the fear, into the insecurity, I must keep writing.  Because I believe that deep down, I am a writer.  I suppose, I hope, that I just haven't fully blossomed yet.  I hope that some day I'll cross that invisible line.  Someone will tell me, "Lindsay!  You're a writer now!"  And I suppose that's what I've needed to hear this entire time.

I've needed someone else to tell me I'm a writer.  Or maybe, I've wanted someone else to tell me I'm a writer.  Maybe, I've just needed anyone at all to tell me I'm a writer.  Maybe I can tell myself.

That's what I'm going with.  For today, at least.  Because as I remind myself (sometimes), Van Gogh told us that when someone tells you you're not a painter, by all means, paint to shut them up.

Internet famous

When anyone talks about the spotlight, it's usually to say "I don't like it" or "I prefer to stay out of the center of attention."  Just like how you never hear anyone saying "I love getting presents!" you never hear anyone saying "I love being in the spotlight."  Except for celebrities, I guess.  And except for me.

Since I was a little kid, I've loved having people's attention.  I performed puppet shows for my parents growing up and I loved watching the home videos of the puppet shows when I was older.  I managed and acted in our high school senior talent show.  I performed in a few Directing Class scenes in college, and I was really disappointed when I was passed over for our college plays and musicals.

When creative social media platforms came on the scene and I noticed how much influence (and money) bloggers were getting, I yearned for that reality to be a part of my life, too.  I read tons of posts about how to hike my follower count.  I churned out posts three times a week with the main goal of creating shareable content.  I analyzed and agonized over what I could be doing differently, how I could better present myself, and how little luck I was finding.

Then, my BFF Millie would share with me how frustrated she was with the curated (fake) feeds on Instagram and I noticed most of the blogs I followed repeating themselves and each other.  I got to the point where every new picture of a coffee cup* in a beautiful setting made me roll my eyes, and if that's what I had to participate in to be internet famous, I wasn't sure I wanted it anymore.  I started to rethink what kind of contribution I was making to our internet society, and then I came across this piece "When Instagram Influencing isn't so Glamorous," which firmed up my gathering suspicions.

I think it's important for me to verbalize this.  Gaining and maintaining a constant, eager following takes resolve, work, and creativity I'm not willing to devote to this goal anymore.  As I've grown older, I've gravitated more toward one-on-one conversations and repetitive visits to my same favorite coffee shops, and I've turned further away from content for content's sake.  What I was creating wasn't benefiting others and it wasn't benefiting myself.  It's time to regroup and to shift my vision.

The life I have around me, however curated it is or isn't, is more valuable to me than the possibility of being internet famous.  And in fact, upon further introspection, I've been able to put more of a framework around what it is I really do want: to be an expert in my field, a mentor, someone people go to for guidance or nurturing.  Ultimately, what I want is to be respected and admired, and I don't have to be famous to cultivate those things.

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*Check out Delete to Feed to join me in donating meals to Americans in poverty just by deleting food photos on Instragram.

2017 Reflection and 2018 Projection

I can't help but laugh and roll my eyes when I think of my post from last year.  "Girl, you had no idea what was coming.  Daily yoga in 2017?  Give me a break."

I've shared much more of my personal life here than usual here so I won't rehash the details, but here are the highlights and lowlights of 2017.

Owning my spiritual shifts, Part 2

Thanks for joining me again as I share about the deconstruction of my faith and where I am now.  Here's Part 1.  I'm not interested in debating any of the topics I share today, but you are always welcome to reach out via email or Facebook message.  Here we go!

I've had many, many religious beliefs uprooted in my heart and mind this year.  I wouldn't say that I believe something opposite for most or any of these things, but I've very solidly landed in a place where I just don't know the absolute answer anymore.  Or rather, I now believe that I can't know the absolute truth of everything, and putting an answer in the place of that mystery is not something I'm comfortable with.  Basically, I hold a whole lot of the traditional American conservative Protestant beliefs with an open hand at this point.  This may change in the future, but I'm currently comfortable with the understanding and lack of understanding I have.

Here's a selection of some of the very big things my mind has been changed on.  This is lengthy and scandalous a long time coming.

Creation without evolution and Adam and Eve as the first humans
I went to a creationism camp in middle school, watched videos from Ken Ham, and I have a fear of the ocean thanks to the belief that dinosaurs still live in the sea.  To branch off from the literal 6-day creationism belief has been a pretty big deal, but this was one of the first belief layers to fall off when I was trying to find my way back to God.  The biggest difference-makers was the podcast episode from The Liturgists about Genesis & Evolution.  As Lissa puts into words near the end, however God chose to bring this world into being, it is magnificent and it doesn't change His awesomeness, creativity, and worthiness of our worship and adoration.

Inerrancy of the Bible, God compelling the exact writings of the Bible, and literal interpretations of the Bible
When everything had been stripped away from my faith, I was left with great mistrust of the Bible.  How could I know if any of this was true?  I was pretty sure Jesus was a legitimate historical person, he had been verified by 5 independent sources as my husband was quick to remind me, but what about the rest of this?

The Liturgists talked about the Bible, too, and the episodes about it gave me hope that my relationship with scripture could be restored in some way, but it wasn't until immersing myself in Rob Bell's book What is the Bible? that I realized, no, my relationship with scripture would never be the same.  It would be something wildly different and immeasurably better.  Something vibrant, exciting, alive.  Something so absolutely desirable.  I can't help but get excited telling you about it now, and I can't express how much different my perspective and my value for the Bible is here in 2017.  I have so much more wonder and expectation for this library of books, more than I ever had in my entire life, which is truly saying something.  (You may remember I attended private Christian schools from 4th grade to the end of college, I completed 5 books in Awana, and I've loved Jesus since before I can remember.)  This is a really. big. deal. and I'm so, so happy about it.

If you're interested in checking out the book, go ahead and listen to the podcast episode where Rob talks with the guys from The Liturgists.  You'll also enjoy this illuminating episode with Peter Enns, a professor and writer who is where I want to be when I grow up, in regards to Bible knowledge.

I can't believe I used to think I knew everything about this book!  There is so much more that I don't know yet, but I am positive that the scriptures in the Bible were not meant to be a science book, a sex ed book, or an owner's manual, and I hope I never treat it as such again.

The existence of a physical hell
I have one real-life friend nearby who's going through deconstruction, and he absolutely shocked me with this one.  Probably around June or July, while I was starting in my own dismantling, He told me he wasn't sure there was a hell anymore, and for a second I thought this guy had for-real gone off the deep end.  But then I started hearing more from other Christian traditions' interpretation of the scriptures, more about how the scripture authors' understandings expanded and changed as history went on, and then my Orthodox sister-in-law told me that, "yeah, even C.S. Lewis considered the concept that the end of time where God's glory fills all things would feel like hell to people who rejected him."  What?  Right now, I have no definite on this one, and I just have to leave it at that until something changes.

The understanding of God as male or as only or mostly male
I don't think I ever heard any sermons about the masculinity of God, and I never heard any pastor or teacher explicitly say God is male, but even as early as last year, I was noticing how few people were talking about the feminine side of God.  For a long time I've believed that, since man and woman are created in God's image, of course, this means God has all of the masculine and feminine characteristics and traits.

I know what you may be thinking.  Back in college, I was scandalized when I read The Shack.  How could someone write about God as if God were a woman?  How could the author buy into such blasphemy?!  I'll tell you why!  Because God is as much our mother as God is our father.  It's a bold thing to say, yes, but this is one of the rare things I am absolutely sure of.  It's also brought me great comfort and even honor when I remember how God's image is reflected in my and my character.

God's full, not-only-masculine nature is sometimes a hard thing for me to remember, especially when my default pronouns for God have been He, Him, Him for 29 years, but I am trying to move toward whatever direction my understanding is taking me.  This often means referring to God as "the divine" instead of "Him," which has already caused some disturbance with at least my husband, but it feels more accurate for me to say that.  "The divine."  Saying "Her" would feel antagonistic at this point, though the internal thought of Her doesn't frustrate or disturb me like it did even two months ago.  The verbalization of this one will take some time, but I'm really, really happy and excited about where I'm at.  There's so much more beauty in God when I see Him/Her now, even if the lens is only a touch cleaner.

Female images of God suggest something different [from male images]. God is the one who gave birth to us and all that is. God wills our well-being, as a mother wills the well-being of the children of her womb. God is attached to us with a love that is tender and that will not let us go. And like a mother who sees the children of her womb threatened and oppressed, God can become fierce. 

- from Marcus Borg in Radical Grace via Richard Rohr and the CAC

What comfort there is in that paragraph!  What pure comfort.  I am so glad that I have a God like that.  (And, of course, there's a podcast episode to check out if you're interested in having your perspective challenged head-on.  I'm not kidding, this one is disruptive.)

Complementarian to Egalitarian Marriage
From what I've been learning about women in the church, God's perspective on women, and the writings of Paul and Peter, I think that the best description of a "biblical marriage" or "Christian marriage" looks like mutual submission, not the wife submitting to her husband only.  What changed my mind wasn't modern feminism (looking at you, Sutton boys).  It was noticing more and more how Jesus treated women in the face of how the people of His time and culture treated women.  It was noticing that Ephesians 5:21 comes immediately before the household standard written by Paul.  It was learning more about why household codes were important in this time period and how radical Peter's and Paul's codes were when compared to how the Romans and Greeks treated each other in marriage.

My favorite resource on this is a debate between Rachel Held Evans and Owen Strachan on the Unbelievable podcast.  Rachel shares cultural and historical information that brings this topic and my response to it into a completely different light.  For information on women in the church, I'd recommend checking out The Junia Project.  I also hold women teaching and preaching in the church with an open hand.  It's not something I disagree with at all anymore.  In fact, I'm starting to think that I'd really like to find a female preacher and hear what she has to say.  I've only heard male perspectives from the pulpit, and I know for darn sure that males aren't the only ones God reveals His truths to.

Meditation is awesome.
Growing up in the Southern Baptist tradition, I knew that yoga was demon worship and meditation was emptying your mind, which allowed space for evil forces.  But here I am now, thankful for how well yoga maintains physical health, flexibility, and blood flow in my body, and I can't tell you what a difference meditation has made in my mental awareness.  It's not about emptying your mind, by the way, it's about focusing your mind and allowing everything else to fall away.  So often we are distracted by the millions of things clamoring for our attention.  Even our own selves distract us with what's next or what's past.  So rarely do we really experience the moment of now.  This leads to not being able to recognize how we feel, how healthy our bodies are, or how we're processing and reacting to issues and problems.  We are disconnected from ourselves, and meditation can be the bridge that stands in the gap.

The form of meditation I use is mindful meditation.  Its goal is to cultivate awareness.  It involves slow mental body scans to encourage you to really feel what you're physically feeling.  It involves noticing sensations and emotions that come up and practicing only noticing them instead of responding in grasping or aversion.  It involves prolonged focus, usually on the breath, which promotes focus and attention in daily living, as well.  In fact, the whole goal of meditation isn't to be a good meditator, it's to be a good liver... I mean, a good person who lives.  Okay, I clearly don't know how to say this well, but meditation has helped me live and think and notice better.

Meditation is proven to, over time, build gray matter in the brain, make people less likely to get angry, anxious, and stressed, and it builds compassion for the self and for others.  When I meditate regularly, I've noticed a heightened awareness of my reactions and emotions.  One example would be noticing that, "ah, I'm starting to feel angry... let me take a step back and consider why this is and what I should do about it."  Before meditation, I would have been unaware of what was going on in my heart and mind until after I'd already hurt someone or made a bigger mess of things.

Meditation.  10/10 would recommend.  Science Mike (from, you guessed it, The Liturgists) shared a ton of information about the kinds of meditation, including prayerful meditations, and its benefits in this information-packed episode.  If you're interested in meditation, download the Calm app and go through their 7-day trial.  (Apple app store / Google play / Desktop version) It does a great job of and explaining mindful meditation and laying the foundations of how to meditate.  The sessions last around 20 minutes each, and it can be really difficult to sit still and rest and focus for that long, but I encourage you to stick with it and see how it can change your thought processes for the better.

For the record
I still believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, that He died, was buried, and rose again three days later.  I have experienced God's grace, forgiveness, and healing in my life, and I've seen it in the lives of others.  I believe God will redeem all things by the end of time and that I will spend eternity with God and the people who love God in some really awesome place I like to call Paradise.  I don't know what all that will look like, and a lot of times my belief looks much more like faith than certainty, but it's still a faith worth having.  And even though my story is still changing and fluctuating, it's still worth telling.  So is yours.

Owning my spiritual shifts, Part 1

You may remember my post from late August where I opened the door on some of the spiritual upheaval I've had this year.  It's been ongoing since April, actually, and it's been the most terrifying, thrilling, and enlivening experience I've had in a long time.

I'm in a more peaceful place than I was in August, a more excited and eager place, too.  But the calm came as a surprise.  Just this past weekend, I was introduced to The Deconstructionists podcast, and after listening to just one episode, I realized "deconstruction" was the word for what I've been going through.  This in itself, the move from "spiritual crisis" to "deconstruction" has been huge for me.  It's like "going into labor" vs "delivery."  The nuance in these words make such a big difference, and the adoption of "deconstruction" normalized my situation for me.

The Liturgists, the first safe space I found for my doubting and growth, they use this term a lot.  A deconstruction of faith is a tearing down of what you once believed.  Deconstruction can go so far as a complete excavation of every shred of faith and religion, which is almost what happened with me, but then it also often involves the relayering of new foundations and beliefs once the old is peeled away.  

The Liturgists community and The Deconstructionists community both enter into this process and its uncertainty with more questions, very few answers, and a ton of grace and acceptance.  Once I admitted that, yes, that word fits me, too, it felt like I finally belonged.  I had found my tribe, the people who knew what I was going through, the people who didn't judge me or force me to decide what I believe or defend myself.  Instead of sympathy, there was empathy.  Instead of isolation, there was "I totally get that, here's how I dealt with this, remember to have patience."  It was amazing, and it's made all the difference in my acceptance of where I am and in my emotional well being.  It's also made a huge impact in dispelling the last shreds of fear I had.  I'd been so worried, back in the summer, that I wouldn't find the truth.  Accepting my deconstruction showed me that I'll never know the whole truth.  I'll never have all the answers.  And, praise all that is good and holy, I'm so glad I'm now in a place where I find that freeing!

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Now that I have less mistrust and aversion in my relationship with God, the most unpleasant part of this journey has become interacting with some of the Christians around me who don't accept where I am or who don't understand.  In fact, for months I've been afraid of being "found out" by my parents, or worse, my mother-in-law.  Two days ago, though, I got to speak with my dad and brought up The Big Topic.  After explaining what I'd been going through and where I am now, my dad caught me off guard by saying he was proud of me and that, of course, it makes sense, and "now you're learning to figure out what you believe, Lindsay, not just what we told you to believe.  And we probably only believed what we told you to believe because someone told us to believe it."  Oh, it was such a relief.  I felt so loved and known, and gosh I'm moved as I remember the moment now.  My mother-in-law, too, while I haven't gotten to share with her the breadth and depth of really any of this, reminded me recently of how much she loves me and also how she doesn't expect me to conform to the traditional way of thinking.  I hope we'll get to chat soon, and I'm pretty sure it will be hard for her to hear, but I know she'll still be with me and she'll still support me.

Some other folks, though, haven't taken to my changes so nicely.  If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen me lamenting the fact that someone told me I definitely was NOT a Christian last week.  Yes, he used all caps.  He was also an internet stranger in a conservative worldview Facebook group who I'll most likely never meet, but it still hurt.  It was very easy to feel offended and self-righteous and, are you kidding, do you even know who I am?  Thankfully we had miles and screens between us, and I also completely understand where he's coming from.  Had our roles been reversed and were it 2015, I would have responded the same way he did.  It's a very scary thing to see someone in your Christian circles stepping away from a belief you place so much value on.  I totally get that.

This interaction forced me to recognize that I'm now on what most American Christians would call the fringes of Christianity, the edge, or maybe even beyond the edge.  It's an odd place to be, especially considering how much of the Christian faith I do ascribe to.  I knew all the songs at Vacation Bible School and memorized the Roman Road (one of Christianity's main tools for evangelism, taken from Paul's writings in the book of Romans), and I can tell you that I most certainly am a Christian, if anyone was wondering, but I'm not the same Christian I was before.  I either disagree or don't agree with quite a few things most American Christians take as gospel.  This has brought tension to many conversations with Caleb, who doesn't know how to best respond to having his wife go through deconstruction yet.  This has become the most uncomfortable part of my journey.  To not have my best friend know and understand where I am.  We haven't talked about it, not really, and in my own home, at least, I am still isolated.

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If you know someone going through deconstruction, please let them wade through the marshes.  Let them doubt and question and challenge.  Let them be angry and distraught and sorrowful.  Just don't let them go through it alone.  Don't try to fix them or their problems.  Don't try to answer their questions for them unless they explicitly ask.  Hug them.  Let them know you're available if they'd like to talk things out or if they need a soundboard.  This is a struggle, and they have to struggle through it.  This is a time of fluidity and testing and there is no magic solution you can offer, but you can offer acceptance, a safe place free of condemnation and pressure, and unconditional love.  If you're afraid that your friend is going the wrong direction, whether you say so or not, remember the trust you have in your God and the Spirit inside your friend.  If you pray, pray for them.  Chances are you believe that, in the end, it's God's sovereignty and truth that will win all things.  Take heart in that, find support for yourself if you need it, and release yourself from the expectation to make things right.  That's not your role, it's Gods.

A few things to ponde that will hopefully encourage you about your friend's journey and show you more of how they're heading in a healthy direction:

"If a person thinks that God is impressed by how certain you are and remaining certain, well you're going to have a phobia of [...] anything that might lessen your certainty, that might throw you into doubt.  So you insulate your faith."  - Greg Boyd via The Deconstructoinists podcast (41:51)

"People think that your faith is as strong as you are doubt-free, and so [they] make a virtue out of not doubting.  That sets so many wrong things in motion.  If you have that model, then you're going to try really never to doubt the rightness of your beliefs, which makes an idol out of your beliefs.  You [then] get life from your rightness, and that's your salvation.  And if you begin doubt too much, then you lose your salvation."  - Greg Boyd via The Deconstructoinists podcast (32:10)

If you're going through deconstruction yourself, know that you are not alone.  There are thousands of people like you who are right now dealing with some of the biggest questions they've ever faced.  You're not the first one to have these doubts.  It's okay to have these doubts.  In fact, faith needs doubt.  Since the Enlightenment, logic and reason have been so highly valued by society and even the church that we've become almost obsessed with having all the answers, but faith was never meant to have all the answers.

"Faith is clearly learning to live without knowing and [to live] trusting that God knows.  We've turned it around 180 degrees to mean people walking around who are certain about everything." - Richard Rohr via The Deconstructionist podast (12:36) 

^ (This whole episode s 100% gold.)

Chances are you'll come through this with a different understanding than you had before.  Chances are what gets left behind needed to get left behind.  As we grow, our relationships change, and it makes perfect sense that our relationship with God would change, too.  This is normal and healthy, and it's quite common for Christians from conservative circles, especially when they reach their 30's.  Where you are is okay.  You're not a bad Christian.  Doubt isn't sinful, and you don't have to be afraid of it.  As Science Mike says, doubt has the power we give it, but that's the only power it has.

"If there's a God worth believing in, it's a God big enough to handle this sort of thing.  To handle uncertainty." - Mike McHargue (aka Science Mike) via The Liturgists podcast (23:30)

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I know I don't often talk about my faith on my blog, but these big changes have been worth writing about.  I'm going to be publishing another post about some of my beliefs that have shifted this year, so keep an eye on this space next Friday to see how much of a heretic I've become (tongue in cheek, friends, tongue in cheek).

What Hurricane Irma dredged up

Note: I wrote this the afternoon of Tuesday, September 12, and while my situation has changed since then, I wanted to post this now that I have the internet to do so.  I've been writing about myself a lot this summer, and adding this to the series keeps me honest.

After hitching a ride from a mini cooper to the local coffee shop (the driver agreed, “You don’t find many criminals in minis) and after making a call to my husband on a stranger’s phone (twice, two different strangers), I sit here with a delicious caramelatto and with hipster music washing over me along with all the emotions I hadn’t yet uncovered about the last 24 hours.

I figured there would be strong winds and heavy rain, but I didn’t expect the power to be out for over 24 hours.  That’s the marker we’re at right now, at least.  Who knows how long we’ll be without electricity.  About two hours in, I realized we had made absolutely no preparations for such a situation.  Thankfully we are at the very end of our two weeks’ worth of food from our last grocery trip, but we still have many meals’ worth of leftovers, frozen chicken bones I’d been saving for homemade broth, and creamer and milk in the freezer and fridge.  I absolutely hate wasting food, and the reality of everything spoiling in my kitchen is hitting me hard.  This is the greatest surprise of the storm’s effects.  I can handle the discomfort that comes with being without internet, and I can handle the gloomy light that comes through the windows all day, but losing the food and the money we spent on it nearly brings me to tears.

I’ve always been conscious about how I spend money.  My dad told me after I graduated college that while his work buddies’ college kids often had to ask for more cash, he was glad I never needed more than my monthly allowance of $75.  Living on my own, I always recorded my purchases in my check book ledger, and I felt guilty and embarrassed the one or two times I over-drafted on my account.  Once Caleb and I got engaged and my finances got more complicated, budgets became all important to me.  Somehow Caleb ended up as the overseer of our incomes and purchases, and he would occasionally tell me we needed to stop extra spending for the rest of the month, but typically our money discussions centered around him emphatically trying to convince me that we were okay, that we were financially stable, and that I didn’t have to worry.  Being distanced from the actual numbers myself, it’s been very hard to take his assurance to heart.  In fact, ever since we paid off the last of our debt last November, I’ve only just started to believe him when he's told me that we really can live off of just his income if we need to.  Turns out, as of August, we have needed to.

Let me back up a bit.  The last day of May, our first day back from a long vacation, Caleb was fired from his job.  Then, in July, I found out that I’d be out of a job starting August 2.  This new development of me not being able to bring any money to the equation brought me paralyzing fear.  I knew that Caleb would be fine.  He’s a software developer, the market for his kind of work is still booming, and surely he’d be getting a new job soon.  Even when he got turned down at the end of interview processes twice in a row, I knew he’d be fine, but when my own job security suddenly evaporated, the panic started to creep in.

That first weekend after being told I’d be laid off, we were in Minneapolis for a family wedding.  I spent that Saturday with the bride and bridesmaids building bouquets.  Some of the girls were ordering food for lunch, and someone asked if I needed anything.  I told them no, I would be fine.  On the car ride back to the hotel (which thankfully had complimentary breakfast), I was lost in my worry and barely spoke.  When I got back to our room where Caleb sat reading on the bed, I burst into tears and told him how I skipped lunch because I was so afraid to spend money.

Now it’s taken me nearly 4 years of marriage to learn that it’s not Caleb’s job to “fix me” or make me feel better.  I am 100% responsible for my own emotions and reactions, but I can’t tell you how thankful I am that Caleb stepped in to fight my fears for me that day.

“Lindsay, we’re okay.  We’re okay.  With the money we have left and your income and the severance package, we’ll be just fine until September without even having to dip into our savings.  And not only am I going to have a job by then, but we also have my parents willing to help us if we need them.  And our church if we need them.  And our landlord has already told me she’s willing to work on the rent with us if we need it.  And I’ve already been thinking of picking up a second job in the meantime while I wait for that offer letter that’s coming.  Tomorrow, I want you to get lunch.  Buy yourself a real lunch.  And don’t worry.  You don’t have to worry.  Please don’t worry.”

I know I’m in the top 1% of the world’s wealthiest, but this is where I’m at.  This is what gets to me.  This is what breaks me down and what builds me up.

My last day at work was about two weeks later.  That evening, Caleb got the most welcome call.  He’d been offered a job with a great company, and the salary would be just what we needed.  His smile was so big and pure when he looked at me after hanging up.  We hugged, we kissed, and I probably cried a little.  With all these doubts about God I've been dealing with, and therefore also doubts about God’s provision, it seemed providential that a job for Caleb would come just an hour or two after my own job ended.  I told my close friends afterward that, if this God is real, and if He was listening to my cries and prayers, this was the kindest, most generous thing He could have done for me in that moment.  If He were trying to get my attention and remind me that He loves me, this would be the perfect way to do it.

I think it’s a testament to how stable we really are that Caleb didn’t end up accepting that job, even after they raised the original offer.  He waited to hear back from a second company to see if they would offer him a different job he’d been interviewing for that he would enjoy more.  Almost a week later, the second company told Caleb that, yes, they’d love to have him work for them.  Again, we celebrated, this time with dinner out and Spider-Man in theaters, which we’d been waiting to see until we had a bit more expendable income.  

Today, a month later, we have the security we need, but we also have a new budget that’s been constructed around our new income level.  Even with safeguards in place and our savings still intact, I still have misgivings about money.  I’m not sure if I’ll ever have a relaxed perspective.  A big part of me says that’s a good thing.  My father taught me responsibility, discipline, and hard work, and I’m a very risk-averse person in general.  Surely playing it safe and staying within boundaries is a good thing?

I’m far from the worst areas hit by Hurricane Irma, but today has been one of those depend-on-the-kindness-of-strangers days.  I'm thankful that I'm surrounded by people who can help me when the unplanned comes and throws my sense of control out the window, but gosh it would be better to be able to breathe even without everything going my way.  Becuase as with most normal people, I have my share of things not going my way.

When the big picture shifts, part 3

2017 has been one hell of a ride for me.  The scariest personal struggles came this spring, the summer saw both my husband and I become unemployed, and I'm currently in the midst of my second big "is God even real?" dilemma (and this go round is lasting much longer than the first one in 2010).  With the first hard situation, relationship problems if I'm honest, it was a very few close friends and my faith that pulled me out of the darkness.  I couldn't have made it toward the light without either of those two strongholds.  Here in August, I have this new, hard, jobless situation on my hands and my faith is weaker and not as steady, and it absolutely sucks not having that assurance in my heart in the midst of the turmoil.

What makes the job problem easier to bear are the skills, experience, and professional network I have on my side.  Sure, God may be there, too, but the tangible safety net feels much more real these days.  For those of you who don't walk in faith or religion, please understand me when I say that having the physical safety net without the spiritual is very, very uncomfortable for me.  For as long as I can remember living, I've had a near constant belief that there is a God, that this God loves me, and that this God provides for me in everything.  This concept is such a comfort and encouragement, and I have my own experiences where that reality, the reality of God's existence, was made glaringly true to me.  I even have collected stories of the miraculous and supernatural in the lives of my friends and my immediate family.  (My immediate family.  As in, I can call up my sister right now and have her tell you about her back being healed through prayer and the laying on of hands.  Strange happenings, my friends.)

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This spring, a friend of mine introduced me to The Liturgists podcast, and while it has been a breeding ground for my doubt, I think that's only because it's a safe place for doubt.  One of the first episodes I listened to wrapped the warmest blanket around me when the speaker said doubt only has the power we give it.  It doesn't have to be dangerous, and you don't have to be afraid of it.  Our perspective of God changes as we change, just like all our relationships change.  And as we grow and learn more about ourselves, our history, the Bible, and whatever else it is you're delving deeper in, our beliefs and ideas will naturally shift.  This is what life looks like, everyone goes through this, and where you are right now with your faith or lack thereof is okay.  You don't have to pretend everything's fine if it's not.

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I can't tell you how thankful I am to not be in the environment where I grew up anymore.  I went to a Southern Baptist church and went to a private Christian school ran by an Independent Baptist church.  Philosophical curiosity wasn't encouraged much in either of those arenas, nor in my home, for that matter.  (I remember taking a break from my encyclopedia computer game, pausing on a snake I clicked that brought up information about the snake's significance in Hinduism.  My mom saw the screen and forbade me from playing the game any longer.)  Perhaps it's a good thing my mind was so young and eager to please at that time.  I never had theistic doubts or concerns.  Instead, I got straight A's in my Bible classes.  I do know, though, that wrestling with these things in school or maybe even at home wouldn't have been met with much understanding or kindness.  And that's why I'm glad my mind waited until adulthood to start looking sideways at what I've been brought up to believe for 29 years.

Now I have a live-in best friend who tells me it's okay, that he loves me, and that if I have any questions or if I'd like to talk about it, he's there to listen and chat.  My BFF in Oregon is a rock of faith herself but doesn't force anything in our conversations and gives such beautiful rest from worry.  Other friends around me are going through similar doubts and also have no judgment for me whatsoever, which is an amazing and unexpected breath of fresh air.  The lack of condemnation makes this struggle easier, safer, and much less scary.

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As bizarre as it may sound, at this moment I am content as I wait for answers and confirmation, and I think I'd be content if I never have the certainty I used to.  I'm starting to accept that God, whatever or whomever God is, is mystery.  One of our pastors shared last year that, if there is a God, we're not going to understand Him/Her/It completely.  It doesn't make sense to try to put God in a box to we've made to better understand the divine, either.  Furthermore, if God were someone or something we could explain absolutely and comprehend absolutely, it wouldn't be much of a God.

So this is where I'm at.  Generally comfortable with the discomfort of not knowing.  Open to the possibilities of having my mind changed.  Hopeful that I will find the truth and that the truth will be a benevolent God who's on our side, working everything for our good.  The moments when my mind goes deeper and starts to consider the possibility of that not being the truth are terrifying, especially when considering the afterlife, but I've started to move forward and to search for answers.  I hope what I find is beautiful.

When the big picture shifts, part 2

What they don't tell you about getting a B.A. in Communication Studies is how vague and nondescript it is.  In one of my first interviews after college, the guy across the desk from me asked "So what does Communications mean?" and I honestly didn't know what to tell him, though it may be a testament to what I did learn at college that I was able to pull something out of thin air to satisfy his question in the moment.

Right after college, I had my old summer job at Office Depot that kept me busy for about another year.  Then, after having little luck in landing a "real" job, I left the country for the promise of a salary and benefits in exchange for teaching ESL in Korea.  Turns out having "Korea" on my resume was what got me the interview for my first "real American" job, 7 months after I returned to the States.  I worked as an administrative assistant/receptionist/office manager in a small office for a year and a half or so, and I really enjoyed it.  I loved supporting a tiny team and building those internal relationships.  The job also confirmed that I am a killer organizer, a fast learner, and great at getting stuff done.  I had outgrown the job, though, and needed something new to keep me interested and fulfilled, so into the fast-paced startup world I went as a Campus Operations Manager for The Iron Yard, then a glorified global customer service coordinator, financial services rep, curriculum editor, new hire trainer, and all around Swiss army knife.  (I have a thing for small companies and many hats.)

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Maybe you already knew some of this, but long story short, today is my last day.  When I first heard the news that The Iron Yard was closing and I had two weeks before being unemployed, one of my biggest anxieties was figuring out what in the world to do next.  Having a degree in communications supposedly sets you up for almost anything (that's what the career counselor said), but it's seemed to me to be more of a jack-of-all-trades degree, the kind that doesn't give you any real direction or real skill.  This led me to look beyond my college experience to my professional experience and even my hobbies, and I've decided to try and pursue a career in editing and/or writing.

Remember, I've never had a career path.  I've been a vagabond in my professional trajectory, and stepping out on something that started as a side hustle and a hobby is frightening.  I'm afraid to fail.  I'm afraid to get the job but find that I hate it.  I'm afraid that the main reason why I want this is because I'm a pretentious and prideful person and saying "I'm an editor" sounds like I am somebody.  But, I do want to give this a shot.  I want to leave it all out on the court and see what happens.  That was my perspective when Caleb and I started dating (and got engaged... and actually that perspective stayed with me until my wedding day), and it turned out pretty great.  Editing and I have so much going for us, it would be a cop out to not try it.  So here I am, going forward into the unknown!

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On the practical side of things, I am craving advice, encouragement, and job leads, and if you can help with either of those, I'd be grateful.  Even if the job hunt takes longer because of it, Caleb and I are staying in Atlanta for the time being.  We've also taken up a side hustle as dog boarders through Rover, which has been fun so far.  (Sign up here to get $20 off your first booking (shameless plug).  Gotta get that cash so I can have all those coffee dates with professional mentors.)  Feel free to pass along my LinkedIn profile to anyone who may be interested, and comment below or email me through the button on the right of the page with anything that could be helpful!

Caleb and I have both dealt with unemployment before, but not since 2012 and not since coming into our own, professionally.  It's a blow to be back on the beat again, but I am confident that this season won't last long.  We're both smart, capable, and at least somewhat charming people, and we have a lot of people who love us.  I'll be sure to update y'all when I have good news to share, and I hope that happens soon!

When the big pictures shifts, part 1

Last Wednesday, I got a call from the CMO of my company to let me know that The Iron Yard, by rule of the board, will be shutting its doors permanently.  Our current classes will be taught till graduation, an extra month of career support offered to alumni, and then it's all going to be finished.  And my last day will be August 2.

Even though a co-worker friend of mine had sent me a hurried Slack message with the bad news a split second before I picked up the phone call, I was shocked and taken by complete surprise.  I always thought I'd be with this company until, or unless, I made the decision to move on to something different.  I have been cultivating dreams and goals for myself within this company, and just this year I'd seen a lot of encouraging forward motion in my personal career here.  Suddenly, it's gone, and the big picture shifts.

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It's one thing to lose your job.  It's another thing to have to begin the grueling job hunt.  It's a completely other thing to love your beloved company, to see your friends go through the same pain, to feel deep sympathy for everyone around you, and to know that there won't be any campus, headquarters, or mother ship to return to for reunions.  Our network will move to social media and occasional coffee dates.  Our mark will be seen in the waves of new web developers breaking into the tech industry.  Our legacy will live on exclusively in the lives we changed.

When you tilt your head to see the situation in that light, when you realize how the greatness and beauty and ingenuity that was crafted within these walls will live on even when the walls fall down, it's very, very easy to breathe again.  To open your hands and connect with the reason why we were all doing this in the first place.  Our mission was to make lasting change in the lives of those around us, and we did a heck of a job of that.  Thankfully the mission will be carried further by different coding bootcamps, online tutorial sites, and other avenues, and while I may not be in the center of the magic much longer, there will still be magic happening.

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I can't express my wholehearted appreciation and love for The Iron Yard well enough.  I'd come to the Atlanta campus from a very traditional work environment looking for a challenge.  Somehow I interviewed 3 days after submitting my resume, and I was hired two days later after I met the team in person.  With conservative operations experience but an eagerness to succeed, I entered the startup world, the tech world, The Iron Yard world, and one of the best teaching experiences of my life.

The struggles came quickly, but so did the support and encouragement from the people around me at work.  My role was a very new one, and two other Campus Operations Managers came on board at other campuses soon after I was hired.  Our weekly collaboration talks and our company-wide required journaling sessions were my safety net.  I struggled, but I never struggled alone.  When my personal life brought shadows with me into work, my teams told me they'd love to help however they could.  My Atlanta teammates have been anchors during some of the most turbulent storms of my adult life.  When work situations and relationships got tricky or sticky or straight up unhealthy, even more of my work friends spoke up, reached out to me, shared advice, and gave me hugs (many of them virtual hugs).

The Iron Yard has a great track record of hiring excellent human beings.  One of the greatest pains in my heart is the pain of losing these friends.  Yes, there's always Twitter, and maybe I'll make it down to Tampa or Orlando one day so I can grab a drink with folks in person, but not being able to work with these people every day is going to a hard adjustment.  From the executives to the new trainees, there are so many people I deeply care about and deeply appreciate at this company.  I know it hurts us all to see us all in this situation, but I'm thankful that even in this, we aren't alone.  We have each other.  We have our inside jokes.  And we have one more week all together to raise standards, change lives, and do the incredible.

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Every time I think through this situation, I always end up with the most beautiful silver linings.  I'm tempted to write more here about my own personal situation, but I'd rather keep that separate, because what I already have here stands on its own so well.  The Iron Yard grew organically as a new solution to a real problem, and I'm so honored to have been a part of it.  Our team estimates that 3,000+ careers were changed for the better thanks to The Iron Yard, and I know our reach goes even further through the free kids classes, coding crash courses, event sponsorships, and field trips we've hosted, etc.  Every campus has had an impact on their city, and I can't wait to be stopped on the street by people touched by our work when I wear my Iron shirt in public.  Yes, even though I've almost completely moved away from screen printed tees, The Iron Yard shield is a badge of honor, and I'm proud to wear it.

2016 Reflection & 2017 Projection

Like every year, 2016 brought new struggles and new joys.  My new adventures had dark clouds and silver linings.  My lowest struggles came along with unexpected breakthroughs which made them surmountable.  I don't want to belittle anyone else's 2016, I know some very terrible things happened this year, but terrible things happen every year and great things do, too.

One of the best things of 2016 for me was going to couples counseling for the first time.  It didn't look anything like Caleb or I expected; there were some serious shocks and twists and highs and lows.  Honestly, couples counseling didn't last as long as I thought or hoped it would, but it brought good change to our relationship that further unfolded as the weeks and conflicts and resolutions rolled on.  I am thankful we both were brave enough to ask for help, professional help, in making our marriage better.  It's working.

The one thing I hope to change for next year isn't much of a change, but a stronger pursuit.  More fervor.  More passion for what matters and more discernment about what does matter.  It's just this past year that's brought the importance, gravity, and consequence (the mattering, if you will) of self-care to the forefront of my mind.  It's brought in a wild change to my lifestyle, and I've done things I never would have predicted.

In 2016, I donated about half of my clothes and, besides jeans and underwear, I've only purchased secondhand clothes since the spring.  Another big leap forward was saying no to a special family holiday gathering.  (It's a scary thing to say no to your mother-in-law about such things.  Thank God for my understanding mother-in-law.)

I hope that I continue to stand up for myself, to tend to my body, to speak well of myself in my own thoughts, to say no when I don't want to do something, to say yes when I should, and to nurture the parts of me that require extra attention.

Parts of me that require extra attention right now and parts that are in progress, with methods of self-care listed below:

• my spiritual life
• read invigorating books that inspire more love and affection for Yahweh, consistent attendance at church and Bible studies, daily and thoughtful and honest prayer, discussion with intimate friends (this last one is a goal for me and isn't in practice yet)
•  my physical strength and bodily health
• daily yoga (but also grace for myself when I really can't), regular chiropractor & massage appointments, maybe finding a dance class to join, a daily regimen of vitamins and (ugh) flossing, daily sunscreen and continued skincare
• my emotional strength and agility
• regular individual counseling, reading and journaling about regulating my own emotions and expressing them better, fortifying my acceptance of my feelings for what they are and rooting out secondary feelings of shame, identifying my inner critic and shutting her up with better things worth saying and hearing
• my peripheral activities (I have no idea what to call this section, but basically I want to cut out the things that don't serve me in all other areas and instead clutter my life)
• maintain a minimal wardrobe filled only with clothing I enjoy, don't go to events I don't want to go to, devote less time and energy to social media (because it never invests as much into me), do invest into real-life relationships, read more dangit, go dancing more dangit, invite people to my home and other events more dangit

The "too long, didn't read" version: cut out what doesn't give life to me (looking at you, Instagram), and gorge myself on what does.

If you've come to any new conclusions or have resolutions for yourself, I'd love to hear.  If you have any encouragement for me, I'd also love to hear that, because I know this journey isn't going to be easy.  I mean, look at that list of methods!  I'm already nervous I'm not going to make it through Yoga with Adriene's Revolution: 31 days of Yoga (it just started today).  If you're feeling any of these things above and want to join me, be my partner and let's do it together.  You and me.  Let me know where we're matching up, and also what you'd like encouragement in, and let's do this year.

My favorite posts I've written

One of the challenges I had in my 101 challenge list was to keep a running collection of favorite blog posts I've written.  I'm not sure why I wanted to do this back when I wrote my challenge list, but I'm glad I did.  I had a fun time roving through my published posts, remember the stories I wrote, and reliving the passion when I had these great topics to write about.  It's been a good retrospective, and it's shown me a bit more of where I've been and of how I'd like to use my space in the future.

Here's my list of favorites, and I hope to add to this list later on!

• In Response to the Boycott on Target's Inclusive Restrooms  ::  When I saw Christians behaving in a way I thought to be unloving, I wanted to take a stand.  It's scary to talk about such volatile topics, but it's also a bit of an adrenaline rush.
• Why I won't be watching The Walking Dead anymore  ::  I know that I'm different, and I don't want to push my boundaries on anyone, but I do want others to know that having boundaries is okay.
• 3 Reasons Why I Believe in Counseling (and why I think everyone should go) ::  It's always invigorating to share things I'm passionate about.  I wish everyone could read and be moved by this post.
• Inspiration for minimalist hanging planters & DIY Lace Project Inspiration  ::  I wrote these posts when I was trying something new for my blog that hasn't stuck yet, but I still love the aesthetics and subject matter.  I had a lot of fun with these two posts.
• 3 Things I Learned in My First Year of Marriage  ::  Vulnerability in weakness and growth is an important part of helping others, and I feel brave for sharing some of what I've learned.
• How We Threw a Japanese Dinner Party (with tips!)  ::  This post has been tossed around Pinterest and a few other blogs, and I'm really proud to have written something so helpful!
• Women doing awesome things  ::  I didn't write much in this post, but I still love this small collection, and I don't want to cut things like this out of my blog.
• 12 Facts About Birth Control That You Should Know  ::  When I had to choose my own birth control, I felt so lost on where to start, what to believe, and what would be the best choice for me.  I really hope that my research helps other girls with similar decisions!
• New Obsession: Mori Style  ::  I remember looking for mori style pictures for so long one late night at the kitchen table.  I was so excited to share about this pretty, feminine fashion!
• Gwanghwamun Photography Date  ::  My friend Steph and I visited Korea's palace area with the specific purpose to take pictures, and it was a blast!
• Vacation: Boracay, The Philippines  ::  There are a few photos I really, really like in this post.  I'm so glad I got to visit not just as a tourist and that I got to interact with the people and culture.  The best way to travel, I think.
• Totally the Coolest Find in Seoul: Alice in Wonderland English Park  ::  This is still just the coolest.  Heavily processed photos, but still awesome.
• What Not to do with your Alien Registration Card  ::  This is one of my favorite stories I've ever had the pleasure to write!
• What They Call Me In Preschool  ::  My darling preschool class, they're so precious to me.
• An open letter to expats  ::  I think this was one of my first times writing with conviction about perspectives I wanted to change in others.  I still stand by what I saw.
• The Story of Mr. Gene  ::  This one's another favorite story.  The great news is that Mr. Gene and I became friends and he ended up publishing his book!

What's Your Relationship With Your Blog?

Let's both grab a cup of tea, or if we're feeling fancy, a cappuccino and talk about our blogs.  I'm curious about why you post, how often you post, what do you like about your blog, what do you not like?  Do you feel a sense of obligation toward your blog?  Or enjoyment?  Or calm?

My own blog relationship has been all over the map since I started ten years ago.  At first, it was an online journal of sorts where I called out for attention in the most passive aggressive way.  Later, I was able to use it as a platform to share stories about teaching and living in Korea.  I loved the conversations those stories would stir, and the posts were very fun to write.  Upon returning to America, I decided to try a more generic approach to appeal to a greater audience.  I've always had a dream of being famous, and I thought maybe I could strike gold like so many other bloggers have.  While I always made sure to post about things that I genuinely found interesting, after a while, the content I was producing didn't seem that important.  Since then, I've had a shift in my goals and perspectives, which, as I look at it, seems rather complex.

Sarah Von Bargen of Yes and Yes said it best. 
"I wanted to read something that acknowledged that fact that all of us are multifaceted. [...]  So every day I try (with varying degrees of success) to create a space like that."

See, in the last year or two, I've found myself wanting to writ about highly charged topics like racism, acts of terrorism, and how I believe Christians (of which I am one) should react to these things.  These are heavy things to talk about, and I don't want the scope of my blog to limit me from speaking about them.  I also want to feel free to rave about all my beautiful indoor plants, delicious recipes I've come across, and other things I'm learning about.  I don't want to feel constrained to either side of the spectrum.  In fact, I've decided that it's okay to cover all of the spectrum!  I'm multifaceted, you're multifaceted, and this blog is going to remain multifaceted, too.

So, this is me claiming further ownership over my blog.  We've been through ups and downs, contention and joy, and all of that is okay.  It will morph as I morph, and I'm starting to think that's actually pretty cool.

What about you?  What motivates you to write?  Is there anything you would change or anything you wouldn't change at all?  I'd love to hear!