Faith deconstruction resources

by Adam Morse

 (I did expect to have published more posts this year than this, and I still hope to flesh out more of my series on social media, but before much more time goes by, I want to share this.)

Faith transitions are hard.  It's called a deconstruction by the community for a reason.  For most and for me, it's felt like a ruthless demolition of all I held dear.  When the walls started falling around me, I was terrified because I didn't know when it would end, if it would end, or what would be left standing.

I've talked with many who had to go to the very, very bottom before they saw any hope for a rebuilding phase, which then brought its own worries.  What if my new set of beliefs don't match up with anyone else's?  What if my church doesn't accept me?  What will my family think?

If you've had any of these questions, this post is for you.  You're not alone, there are tens of thousands of us wading in the murk, stretching out our hands to blindly feel for what we hope will bring clarity and comfort.  My own outstretched hands have been grasped by others pulling me upward to where I can see just a little better.  The community of searchers I've bumped into and the resources they've pointed me to have been a saving grace, and I want to share these things in case you need it, too.

(Last updated: February 8, 2021)

Community

• The Deconstruction Network  :  something of a social network for people who have deconstructed
  
  

Movies

• Come Sunday  :  the true story of a Charismatic pastor's changing theology
• Silence  :   the true story of Jesuit missionaries trying to find God in Japan
• I am Michael  :   the true story of a young gay man who transitioned to an anti-gay pastor
  
• Bonus TV show  :  Queer Eye on Netflix  :  true stories of 5 gay guys making the world a better place

 
Podcasts

• The Bible for Normal People  :  my new favorite! goes deep into understanding the Bible
• The Liturgists  :  where I first learned about deconstruction
• The Deconstructionists  :  longer, deeper discussions often with theologians
• Shot of Torah  :  midrash-based podcast that digs into different interpretations of the Torah in 7 minutes

Books

• A Flexible Faith  :  by Bonnie Kristian, about the myriad ways people have been Christian through the ages
  
• Falling Upward  :  by Richard Rohr, about the two halves of life
• Finding God in the Waves  :  by Mike McHargue, about his deconstruction story
• The Bible Tells Me So  :  by Peter Enns, about making sense of the Bible (or What is the Bible? by Rob Bell)
  
• Inspired  :  book by Rachel Held Evans, about making sense of the Bible, but this time with more creativity

 Songs

• "Give me Something to Believe In"  :  Young the Giant
• "Vapor"  :  Gungor
• Palms (album)  :  Thrice
• "Leave the City" (and the whole album)  :  Twenty One Pilots

  
LGBTQ+ and Faith

• Resource repository  :  This was curated by a friend of mine.
• The Reformation Project  :  a Bible-based approach to LBTQ inclusion
• Radiolab podcast episode X &Y  :  fascinating episode about the science of male and female within all of us
• Church Clarity  :   a crowd-sourced list of where churches stand on LGBT and women in membership and leadership
• When they denied my baptism in Passion City Church  :  a story from a lesbian church volunteer 
• "Has 'Homosexual' Always Been in the Bible?"  :  blog post, and no, it has not always been in the Bible
  

The feminine character of God & Women in the Church resources

• God described as feminine and as Mother in the Bible  :  a Google doc I pulled together of research and references
• Half the Church  :  book by Carolyn Custus James about God's design for women and men, highly recommended
• The Junia Project  :  a huge resource of articles advocating for women in church leadership and egalitarian theology
• CBE International  :  another huge online resource equipping Christians for ministry regardless of gender
• 10 Reasons Why Men Should Not Be Ordained for Ministry  :  blog post, humor
• Godde  :  another word for the divine and a beautiful and a thoughtful explanation as to why

Enneagram resources

• The Enneagram Institute  :  very helpful for determining your type and going deeper.
• Typology podcast  :  I recommend starting with episodes 14 & 15.
• How to practice your Enneagram type  :  blog post previewing next steps to deeper spirituality
• Sleeping At Last podcast and songs  :  This fellow makes songs for every type.

A little update on me - I am really happy with where my faith currently is.  The fear of not knowing has been shrinking fast this year, and I'm comfortable being in the in between.  There's not a common term for where I'm at, but I've used "agnostic Christian," "hopeful agnostic Christian," "progressive Christian," and I've joked saying I'm a "bad Christian."

If you'd asked 2010 Lindsay if 2018 Lindsay is a Christian, she'd probably say no, because she had a very strict definition (one that wouldn't cover much of the world's Christians).  I don't think there's a literal hell, I don't believe the Bible is inerrant, I don't know if Adam and Eve were real people, and I don't really care either way.  What I care about is living like Jesus' example, caring about what He cares about, and bringing that goodness to the world more fully.  I hope there's some kind of reward at the end of all this, but even if the lights just go out at the end, bettering this world in the way Jesus did is how I've chosen to live.

I sometimes pray.  I sometimes read the Bible.  I love learning about the Bible and about what the authors really meant.  (I currently have 15+ pages of a paper I'm writing about how women should be teaching and preaching and leading in the church, and it's all based on research from the Bible, its history and the culture of the original audience.  If you're interested in seeing the final product, let me know.)

There are still some areas of tension, but most of them occur when I'm interacting with more traditional Christian ideas and the people who hold them.  Being different isn't easy, especially when religion is involved, and I'm uncomfortable in some church environments due to things the preacher may say or the song lyrics or the Sunday Morning Face™ I never liked.  (Does anyone like that?)

I'm glad to be where I am.  I'm glad I didn't throw it all away when my doubts came in pronounced.  I'd been brought by my schooling to believe that doubt was opposite of faith, but I've found that's not true.  Certainty is the opposite of faith.  Doubt is more than welcome to join the dance, and having doubt doesn't make you any less of a Christian, however you choose to define that term.

With love.

Owning my spiritual shifts, Part 2

Thanks for joining me again as I share about the deconstruction of my faith and where I am now.  Here's Part 1.  I'm not interested in debating any of the topics I share today, but you are always welcome to reach out via email or Facebook message.  Here we go!

I've had many, many religious beliefs uprooted in my heart and mind this year.  I wouldn't say that I believe something opposite for most or any of these things, but I've very solidly landed in a place where I just don't know the absolute answer anymore.  Or rather, I now believe that I can't know the absolute truth of everything, and putting an answer in the place of that mystery is not something I'm comfortable with.  Basically, I hold a whole lot of the traditional American conservative Protestant beliefs with an open hand at this point.  This may change in the future, but I'm currently comfortable with the understanding and lack of understanding I have.

Here's a selection of some of the very big things my mind has been changed on.  This is lengthy and scandalous a long time coming.

Creation without evolution and Adam and Eve as the first humans
I went to a creationism camp in middle school, watched videos from Ken Ham, and I have a fear of the ocean thanks to the belief that dinosaurs still live in the sea.  To branch off from the literal 6-day creationism belief has been a pretty big deal, but this was one of the first belief layers to fall off when I was trying to find my way back to God.  The biggest difference-makers was the podcast episode from The Liturgists about Genesis & Evolution.  As Lissa puts into words near the end, however God chose to bring this world into being, it is magnificent and it doesn't change His awesomeness, creativity, and worthiness of our worship and adoration.

Inerrancy of the Bible, God compelling the exact writings of the Bible, and literal interpretations of the Bible
When everything had been stripped away from my faith, I was left with great mistrust of the Bible.  How could I know if any of this was true?  I was pretty sure Jesus was a legitimate historical person, he had been verified by 5 independent sources as my husband was quick to remind me, but what about the rest of this?

The Liturgists talked about the Bible, too, and the episodes about it gave me hope that my relationship with scripture could be restored in some way, but it wasn't until immersing myself in Rob Bell's book What is the Bible? that I realized, no, my relationship with scripture would never be the same.  It would be something wildly different and immeasurably better.  Something vibrant, exciting, alive.  Something so absolutely desirable.  I can't help but get excited telling you about it now, and I can't express how much different my perspective and my value for the Bible is here in 2017.  I have so much more wonder and expectation for this library of books, more than I ever had in my entire life, which is truly saying something.  (You may remember I attended private Christian schools from 4th grade to the end of college, I completed 5 books in Awana, and I've loved Jesus since before I can remember.)  This is a really. big. deal. and I'm so, so happy about it.

If you're interested in checking out the book, go ahead and listen to the podcast episode where Rob talks with the guys from The Liturgists.  You'll also enjoy this illuminating episode with Peter Enns, a professor and writer who is where I want to be when I grow up, in regards to Bible knowledge.

I can't believe I used to think I knew everything about this book!  There is so much more that I don't know yet, but I am positive that the scriptures in the Bible were not meant to be a science book, a sex ed book, or an owner's manual, and I hope I never treat it as such again.

The existence of a physical hell
I have one real-life friend nearby who's going through deconstruction, and he absolutely shocked me with this one.  Probably around June or July, while I was starting in my own dismantling, He told me he wasn't sure there was a hell anymore, and for a second I thought this guy had for-real gone off the deep end.  But then I started hearing more from other Christian traditions' interpretation of the scriptures, more about how the scripture authors' understandings expanded and changed as history went on, and then my Orthodox sister-in-law told me that, "yeah, even C.S. Lewis considered the concept that the end of time where God's glory fills all things would feel like hell to people who rejected him."  What?  Right now, I have no definite on this one, and I just have to leave it at that until something changes.

The understanding of God as male or as only or mostly male
I don't think I ever heard any sermons about the masculinity of God, and I never heard any pastor or teacher explicitly say God is male, but even as early as last year, I was noticing how few people were talking about the feminine side of God.  For a long time I've believed that, since man and woman are created in God's image, of course, this means God has all of the masculine and feminine characteristics and traits.

I know what you may be thinking.  Back in college, I was scandalized when I read The Shack.  How could someone write about God as if God were a woman?  How could the author buy into such blasphemy?!  I'll tell you why!  Because God is as much our mother as God is our father.  It's a bold thing to say, yes, but this is one of the rare things I am absolutely sure of.  It's also brought me great comfort and even honor when I remember how God's image is reflected in my and my character.

God's full, not-only-masculine nature is sometimes a hard thing for me to remember, especially when my default pronouns for God have been He, Him, Him for 29 years, but I am trying to move toward whatever direction my understanding is taking me.  This often means referring to God as "the divine" instead of "Him," which has already caused some disturbance with at least my husband, but it feels more accurate for me to say that.  "The divine."  Saying "Her" would feel antagonistic at this point, though the internal thought of Her doesn't frustrate or disturb me like it did even two months ago.  The verbalization of this one will take some time, but I'm really, really happy and excited about where I'm at.  There's so much more beauty in God when I see Him/Her now, even if the lens is only a touch cleaner.

Female images of God suggest something different [from male images]. God is the one who gave birth to us and all that is. God wills our well-being, as a mother wills the well-being of the children of her womb. God is attached to us with a love that is tender and that will not let us go. And like a mother who sees the children of her womb threatened and oppressed, God can become fierce. 

- from Marcus Borg in Radical Grace via Richard Rohr and the CAC

What comfort there is in that paragraph!  What pure comfort.  I am so glad that I have a God like that.  (And, of course, there's a podcast episode to check out if you're interested in having your perspective challenged head-on.  I'm not kidding, this one is disruptive.)

Complementarian to Egalitarian Marriage
From what I've been learning about women in the church, God's perspective on women, and the writings of Paul and Peter, I think that the best description of a "biblical marriage" or "Christian marriage" looks like mutual submission, not the wife submitting to her husband only.  What changed my mind wasn't modern feminism (looking at you, Sutton boys).  It was noticing more and more how Jesus treated women in the face of how the people of His time and culture treated women.  It was noticing that Ephesians 5:21 comes immediately before the household standard written by Paul.  It was learning more about why household codes were important in this time period and how radical Peter's and Paul's codes were when compared to how the Romans and Greeks treated each other in marriage.

My favorite resource on this is a debate between Rachel Held Evans and Owen Strachan on the Unbelievable podcast.  Rachel shares cultural and historical information that brings this topic and my response to it into a completely different light.  For information on women in the church, I'd recommend checking out The Junia Project.  I also hold women teaching and preaching in the church with an open hand.  It's not something I disagree with at all anymore.  In fact, I'm starting to think that I'd really like to find a female preacher and hear what she has to say.  I've only heard male perspectives from the pulpit, and I know for darn sure that males aren't the only ones God reveals His truths to.

Meditation is awesome.
Growing up in the Southern Baptist tradition, I knew that yoga was demon worship and meditation was emptying your mind, which allowed space for evil forces.  But here I am now, thankful for how well yoga maintains physical health, flexibility, and blood flow in my body, and I can't tell you what a difference meditation has made in my mental awareness.  It's not about emptying your mind, by the way, it's about focusing your mind and allowing everything else to fall away.  So often we are distracted by the millions of things clamoring for our attention.  Even our own selves distract us with what's next or what's past.  So rarely do we really experience the moment of now.  This leads to not being able to recognize how we feel, how healthy our bodies are, or how we're processing and reacting to issues and problems.  We are disconnected from ourselves, and meditation can be the bridge that stands in the gap.

The form of meditation I use is mindful meditation.  Its goal is to cultivate awareness.  It involves slow mental body scans to encourage you to really feel what you're physically feeling.  It involves noticing sensations and emotions that come up and practicing only noticing them instead of responding in grasping or aversion.  It involves prolonged focus, usually on the breath, which promotes focus and attention in daily living, as well.  In fact, the whole goal of meditation isn't to be a good meditator, it's to be a good liver... I mean, a good person who lives.  Okay, I clearly don't know how to say this well, but meditation has helped me live and think and notice better.

Meditation is proven to, over time, build gray matter in the brain, make people less likely to get angry, anxious, and stressed, and it builds compassion for the self and for others.  When I meditate regularly, I've noticed a heightened awareness of my reactions and emotions.  One example would be noticing that, "ah, I'm starting to feel angry... let me take a step back and consider why this is and what I should do about it."  Before meditation, I would have been unaware of what was going on in my heart and mind until after I'd already hurt someone or made a bigger mess of things.

Meditation.  10/10 would recommend.  Science Mike (from, you guessed it, The Liturgists) shared a ton of information about the kinds of meditation, including prayerful meditations, and its benefits in this information-packed episode.  If you're interested in meditation, download the Calm app and go through their 7-day trial.  (Apple app store / Google play / Desktop version) It does a great job of and explaining mindful meditation and laying the foundations of how to meditate.  The sessions last around 20 minutes each, and it can be really difficult to sit still and rest and focus for that long, but I encourage you to stick with it and see how it can change your thought processes for the better.

For the record
I still believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, that He died, was buried, and rose again three days later.  I have experienced God's grace, forgiveness, and healing in my life, and I've seen it in the lives of others.  I believe God will redeem all things by the end of time and that I will spend eternity with God and the people who love God in some really awesome place I like to call Paradise.  I don't know what all that will look like, and a lot of times my belief looks much more like faith than certainty, but it's still a faith worth having.  And even though my story is still changing and fluctuating, it's still worth telling.  So is yours.

Owning my spiritual shifts, Part 1

You may remember my post from late August where I opened the door on some of the spiritual upheaval I've had this year.  It's been ongoing since April, actually, and it's been the most terrifying, thrilling, and enlivening experience I've had in a long time.

I'm in a more peaceful place than I was in August, a more excited and eager place, too.  But the calm came as a surprise.  Just this past weekend, I was introduced to The Deconstructionists podcast, and after listening to just one episode, I realized "deconstruction" was the word for what I've been going through.  This in itself, the move from "spiritual crisis" to "deconstruction" has been huge for me.  It's like "going into labor" vs "delivery."  The nuance in these words make such a big difference, and the adoption of "deconstruction" normalized my situation for me.

The Liturgists, the first safe space I found for my doubting and growth, they use this term a lot.  A deconstruction of faith is a tearing down of what you once believed.  Deconstruction can go so far as a complete excavation of every shred of faith and religion, which is almost what happened with me, but then it also often involves the relayering of new foundations and beliefs once the old is peeled away.  

The Liturgists community and The Deconstructionists community both enter into this process and its uncertainty with more questions, very few answers, and a ton of grace and acceptance.  Once I admitted that, yes, that word fits me, too, it felt like I finally belonged.  I had found my tribe, the people who knew what I was going through, the people who didn't judge me or force me to decide what I believe or defend myself.  Instead of sympathy, there was empathy.  Instead of isolation, there was "I totally get that, here's how I dealt with this, remember to have patience."  It was amazing, and it's made all the difference in my acceptance of where I am and in my emotional well being.  It's also made a huge impact in dispelling the last shreds of fear I had.  I'd been so worried, back in the summer, that I wouldn't find the truth.  Accepting my deconstruction showed me that I'll never know the whole truth.  I'll never have all the answers.  And, praise all that is good and holy, I'm so glad I'm now in a place where I find that freeing!

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Now that I have less mistrust and aversion in my relationship with God, the most unpleasant part of this journey has become interacting with some of the Christians around me who don't accept where I am or who don't understand.  In fact, for months I've been afraid of being "found out" by my parents, or worse, my mother-in-law.  Two days ago, though, I got to speak with my dad and brought up The Big Topic.  After explaining what I'd been going through and where I am now, my dad caught me off guard by saying he was proud of me and that, of course, it makes sense, and "now you're learning to figure out what you believe, Lindsay, not just what we told you to believe.  And we probably only believed what we told you to believe because someone told us to believe it."  Oh, it was such a relief.  I felt so loved and known, and gosh I'm moved as I remember the moment now.  My mother-in-law, too, while I haven't gotten to share with her the breadth and depth of really any of this, reminded me recently of how much she loves me and also how she doesn't expect me to conform to the traditional way of thinking.  I hope we'll get to chat soon, and I'm pretty sure it will be hard for her to hear, but I know she'll still be with me and she'll still support me.

Some other folks, though, haven't taken to my changes so nicely.  If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen me lamenting the fact that someone told me I definitely was NOT a Christian last week.  Yes, he used all caps.  He was also an internet stranger in a conservative worldview Facebook group who I'll most likely never meet, but it still hurt.  It was very easy to feel offended and self-righteous and, are you kidding, do you even know who I am?  Thankfully we had miles and screens between us, and I also completely understand where he's coming from.  Had our roles been reversed and were it 2015, I would have responded the same way he did.  It's a very scary thing to see someone in your Christian circles stepping away from a belief you place so much value on.  I totally get that.

This interaction forced me to recognize that I'm now on what most American Christians would call the fringes of Christianity, the edge, or maybe even beyond the edge.  It's an odd place to be, especially considering how much of the Christian faith I do ascribe to.  I knew all the songs at Vacation Bible School and memorized the Roman Road (one of Christianity's main tools for evangelism, taken from Paul's writings in the book of Romans), and I can tell you that I most certainly am a Christian, if anyone was wondering, but I'm not the same Christian I was before.  I either disagree or don't agree with quite a few things most American Christians take as gospel.  This has brought tension to many conversations with Caleb, who doesn't know how to best respond to having his wife go through deconstruction yet.  This has become the most uncomfortable part of my journey.  To not have my best friend know and understand where I am.  We haven't talked about it, not really, and in my own home, at least, I am still isolated.

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If you know someone going through deconstruction, please let them wade through the marshes.  Let them doubt and question and challenge.  Let them be angry and distraught and sorrowful.  Just don't let them go through it alone.  Don't try to fix them or their problems.  Don't try to answer their questions for them unless they explicitly ask.  Hug them.  Let them know you're available if they'd like to talk things out or if they need a soundboard.  This is a struggle, and they have to struggle through it.  This is a time of fluidity and testing and there is no magic solution you can offer, but you can offer acceptance, a safe place free of condemnation and pressure, and unconditional love.  If you're afraid that your friend is going the wrong direction, whether you say so or not, remember the trust you have in your God and the Spirit inside your friend.  If you pray, pray for them.  Chances are you believe that, in the end, it's God's sovereignty and truth that will win all things.  Take heart in that, find support for yourself if you need it, and release yourself from the expectation to make things right.  That's not your role, it's Gods.

A few things to ponde that will hopefully encourage you about your friend's journey and show you more of how they're heading in a healthy direction:

"If a person thinks that God is impressed by how certain you are and remaining certain, well you're going to have a phobia of [...] anything that might lessen your certainty, that might throw you into doubt.  So you insulate your faith."  - Greg Boyd via The Deconstructoinists podcast (41:51)

"People think that your faith is as strong as you are doubt-free, and so [they] make a virtue out of not doubting.  That sets so many wrong things in motion.  If you have that model, then you're going to try really never to doubt the rightness of your beliefs, which makes an idol out of your beliefs.  You [then] get life from your rightness, and that's your salvation.  And if you begin doubt too much, then you lose your salvation."  - Greg Boyd via The Deconstructoinists podcast (32:10)

If you're going through deconstruction yourself, know that you are not alone.  There are thousands of people like you who are right now dealing with some of the biggest questions they've ever faced.  You're not the first one to have these doubts.  It's okay to have these doubts.  In fact, faith needs doubt.  Since the Enlightenment, logic and reason have been so highly valued by society and even the church that we've become almost obsessed with having all the answers, but faith was never meant to have all the answers.

"Faith is clearly learning to live without knowing and [to live] trusting that God knows.  We've turned it around 180 degrees to mean people walking around who are certain about everything." - Richard Rohr via The Deconstructionist podast (12:36) 

^ (This whole episode s 100% gold.)

Chances are you'll come through this with a different understanding than you had before.  Chances are what gets left behind needed to get left behind.  As we grow, our relationships change, and it makes perfect sense that our relationship with God would change, too.  This is normal and healthy, and it's quite common for Christians from conservative circles, especially when they reach their 30's.  Where you are is okay.  You're not a bad Christian.  Doubt isn't sinful, and you don't have to be afraid of it.  As Science Mike says, doubt has the power we give it, but that's the only power it has.

"If there's a God worth believing in, it's a God big enough to handle this sort of thing.  To handle uncertainty." - Mike McHargue (aka Science Mike) via The Liturgists podcast (23:30)

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I know I don't often talk about my faith on my blog, but these big changes have been worth writing about.  I'm going to be publishing another post about some of my beliefs that have shifted this year, so keep an eye on this space next Friday to see how much of a heretic I've become (tongue in cheek, friends, tongue in cheek).

When the big picture shifts, part 3

2017 has been one hell of a ride for me.  The scariest personal struggles came this spring, the summer saw both my husband and I become unemployed, and I'm currently in the midst of my second big "is God even real?" dilemma (and this go round is lasting much longer than the first one in 2010).  With the first hard situation, relationship problems if I'm honest, it was a very few close friends and my faith that pulled me out of the darkness.  I couldn't have made it toward the light without either of those two strongholds.  Here in August, I have this new, hard, jobless situation on my hands and my faith is weaker and not as steady, and it absolutely sucks not having that assurance in my heart in the midst of the turmoil.

What makes the job problem easier to bear are the skills, experience, and professional network I have on my side.  Sure, God may be there, too, but the tangible safety net feels much more real these days.  For those of you who don't walk in faith or religion, please understand me when I say that having the physical safety net without the spiritual is very, very uncomfortable for me.  For as long as I can remember living, I've had a near constant belief that there is a God, that this God loves me, and that this God provides for me in everything.  This concept is such a comfort and encouragement, and I have my own experiences where that reality, the reality of God's existence, was made glaringly true to me.  I even have collected stories of the miraculous and supernatural in the lives of my friends and my immediate family.  (My immediate family.  As in, I can call up my sister right now and have her tell you about her back being healed through prayer and the laying on of hands.  Strange happenings, my friends.)

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This spring, a friend of mine introduced me to The Liturgists podcast, and while it has been a breeding ground for my doubt, I think that's only because it's a safe place for doubt.  One of the first episodes I listened to wrapped the warmest blanket around me when the speaker said doubt only has the power we give it.  It doesn't have to be dangerous, and you don't have to be afraid of it.  Our perspective of God changes as we change, just like all our relationships change.  And as we grow and learn more about ourselves, our history, the Bible, and whatever else it is you're delving deeper in, our beliefs and ideas will naturally shift.  This is what life looks like, everyone goes through this, and where you are right now with your faith or lack thereof is okay.  You don't have to pretend everything's fine if it's not.

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I can't tell you how thankful I am to not be in the environment where I grew up anymore.  I went to a Southern Baptist church and went to a private Christian school ran by an Independent Baptist church.  Philosophical curiosity wasn't encouraged much in either of those arenas, nor in my home, for that matter.  (I remember taking a break from my encyclopedia computer game, pausing on a snake I clicked that brought up information about the snake's significance in Hinduism.  My mom saw the screen and forbade me from playing the game any longer.)  Perhaps it's a good thing my mind was so young and eager to please at that time.  I never had theistic doubts or concerns.  Instead, I got straight A's in my Bible classes.  I do know, though, that wrestling with these things in school or maybe even at home wouldn't have been met with much understanding or kindness.  And that's why I'm glad my mind waited until adulthood to start looking sideways at what I've been brought up to believe for 29 years.

Now I have a live-in best friend who tells me it's okay, that he loves me, and that if I have any questions or if I'd like to talk about it, he's there to listen and chat.  My BFF in Oregon is a rock of faith herself but doesn't force anything in our conversations and gives such beautiful rest from worry.  Other friends around me are going through similar doubts and also have no judgment for me whatsoever, which is an amazing and unexpected breath of fresh air.  The lack of condemnation makes this struggle easier, safer, and much less scary.

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As bizarre as it may sound, at this moment I am content as I wait for answers and confirmation, and I think I'd be content if I never have the certainty I used to.  I'm starting to accept that God, whatever or whomever God is, is mystery.  One of our pastors shared last year that, if there is a God, we're not going to understand Him/Her/It completely.  It doesn't make sense to try to put God in a box to we've made to better understand the divine, either.  Furthermore, if God were someone or something we could explain absolutely and comprehend absolutely, it wouldn't be much of a God.

So this is where I'm at.  Generally comfortable with the discomfort of not knowing.  Open to the possibilities of having my mind changed.  Hopeful that I will find the truth and that the truth will be a benevolent God who's on our side, working everything for our good.  The moments when my mind goes deeper and starts to consider the possibility of that not being the truth are terrifying, especially when considering the afterlife, but I've started to move forward and to search for answers.  I hope what I find is beautiful.