How to cull your social media feeds

Last we talked about social media, I touched on a few of the risks paired with living life on social.  I've had a smart phone for only 4 years, I've been on social for 8, and in that little bit of time I've fallen for many of the false promises social media offers.  I can't imagine growing up on smartphones and not having a framework for life without social media.  Just like with friends and ice cream, in order to enjoy social media best, you need healthy boundaries in place.

While it's possible to break from the norm and go off grid, it's not viable or even attractive to everyone.  I get value from the community and inspiration social media opens up to me, but since real life happens off grid, I want to spend as little time on my phone as possible.  My personal compromise is to carefully judge what I keep in my feeds.  If content is good for me, it stays.  If it’s bad or even neutral for me, it goes.  This lets me consume what brings me value while not wasting time on the filler stuff.

Here are some questions I ask myself as I determine which feeds to follow and which to skip:

•  How does this content make me feel?  Does it ignite jealousy or unhealthy self criticism?  Do I find it delightful or encouraging?

• How does this content make me think?  
Does it challenge me and encourage critical thinking?  Does it create an echo chamber?

• Is this content redundant?  Do I need to follow this account and these twelve others?  Which ones are most worth my time?  Also, do I need to keep following this feed or have I already seen what they’re about?

• What would change if I unfollow this account?  (Hint: if the answer is "nothing," it's not worth my time.)


What are you thinking?  What do these questions stir up for you?  And further - what effects have you noticed in your life from social media?  What questions would you add to the list?


If you want to keep Facebook around for Facebook messenger or because you want to look back on your photo albums, check out the News Feed Eradicator for Facebook.  You can still access all your friends’ material and add your own, but you won’t see the news feed on your home page.  You’ll only see what you intentionally seek out.


I also recommend checking out this Twitter thread for more thoughts on our social media behaviors and how to be a good human being when interacting with people through our screens.

I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on how you're using social media and how it's using you.  I often need to reevaluate every few months.  Each time, I find that flushing out the content that doesn't serve me encourages me to view what's left, what truly brings me value, with more appreciation.  I hope the same happens for you.

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Keep an eye on this space.  More is coming to this social media series.  And please comment below about your thoughts, your journey, and your challenge to me to keep to my boundaries!

The good and evil of social

In the spring of 2006, when I was just accepted to college, my high school senior classmates suggested I sign up for Facebook.com.  (Facebook dot com.)  Way cooler than MySpace, Facebook needed a .edu email address to join, and it was the cool new place for college kids to be.


By 2011, after collecting hundreds and hundreds of Facebook friends, I grew tired of the superficiality of those internet connections.  What used to be life updates and real-time invitations to dorm events changed to shared news stories, memes, game play requests, and invitations to buy multi level marketing products I am definitely not interested in trying.


Facebook wasn’t a collection of friendships anymore, not really.  It was a collection of acquaintanceships, and when I realized that’s all they were, it dawned on me that I didn’t have to keep them.  Superficial relationships aren’t bad, but they also aren’t something I want to spend my online time on.  I’d rather invest my time in something that invests in me.


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Here’s where it gets real.


Your social media activity triggers your body to release the chemical rewards your brain gets when you have positive interactions, when you accomplish something, or when sharing physical contact with another human.  When you have a positive interaction with social media, you get the same physiological rush that comes from interacting with people in real life without interacting with people in real life.  It’s basically the crappy, fake porn version of sex, but for your social life.


Call me traditional, but this doesn’t seem like a good thing.  The science behind the legitimate addiction people develop is real, and precautions should be considered to make the time we spend on social media thoughtful and intentional instead of compulsory and constant.  The key is to use these tools as tools, not as pacifiers, escapes, or indicators of personal worth.  (Awareness of your own addiction levels helps, too.)  I appreciate how Facebook helps me find interesting events to attend, how Instagram helps me learn most of my foraging skills, and how Pinterest helps me collect creative inspiration for my home, but once my social media goals become social media-focused, I’ve missed the point.


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This past week, I joined The Plywood People for a talk about platforms.  Eric Brown, founder of Whiteboard.is, shared his thoughts on using social well and using it poorly.  Social media was originally designed to facilitate real life, not to be real life.  The goal of social was always to enhance real relationships, connect people who live far from one another, and to better the tangible.  If we forsake the tangible (real life) in favor if the intangible (social media), we’re doing it wrong.  We’re missing out on the purpose of living.  We’re choosing hollow rewards over fulfilling relationships and experiences.  And in that way, we’re actually contributing to making the world a darker place.


Focus on tangible wins.  Keep this in mind the next time you tap “Follow.”  Lives aren’t changed by retweets or drip campaign emails.  Invest your time wisely in something that invests back in you.

When friendships change

I never had much success making friends growing up.  We moved three times before settling in Georgia in 4th grade.  I remember ferociously praying for a best friend friend, but instead I got bullied on an off until senior year of high school.  It wasn’t until college that I met girls (and guys) who truly cared about me. They invested in me, shared with me, challenged me, and ran around campus dressed as ninjas with me (yes, we were those freshmen).  Spending time with them changed me and how I related to others for the better, and being with them was my new home. Finally, I started to feel secure in my friendships and in the community we had.

Senior year, Lydia, one of my core friends, started spending more time with a different group.  She was finishing up classes for her major that year, and she naturally became closer with the folks in the same courses.  Logistics be damned, I quickly became jealous and internalized the hurt. I reverted back to my middle school mindset and couldn’t understand why Lydia didn’t want to be my friend anymore.




Years later, Megan was a new girl at work.  She was the exuberant kind of person you instantly love.  The time we spent together was always good and deep and real, and when she got a new job at a different company, I was certain our friendship would transcend the situation.  She seemed to agree, and her verbal invitation to a rooftop dinner party (date and time TBD) kept me hopeful. Soon after, she stopped responding to my texts. I was perplexed and crushed.




Around the same time, Jasmine and I were in a tight knit tell-each-other-everything small group together and in an awkward group shift, our third member separated from the group and just Jasmine and I were left.  I reached out to her to see what her thoughts were and if she’d like to keep getting together. Despite my repeated messages, she didn’t respond for an entire semester. I’ll spare you the embarrassing details, but I did not handle it well as I waited.

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I always thought adults didn’t have to deal with the emotional baggage of friendship break ups, but I’m just now starting to identify and explore my struggle and how I can do better.  Here’s where I am so far.

Social media presents this idea that we’ll be friends forever, but that’s not true.

I was in one of the first groups of Facebook users, and back in 2006, it was a place to connect with friends.  But people aren’t time capsules. They change and grow. Never before has humanity had this social media glue to keep people together when they’d naturally fall apart, but the glue isn’t strong enough to maintain deep relationships in our transient, short-term society.  Long distance, new commitments, and shifting interests make a difference to friendships that Facebook can’t completely bridge.

You don’t deserve people’s attention.

This is a harsh one, but hear me out.  Placing expectations and demands on the time and attention of others isn’t love.  If that’s your main idea of friendship, you’re not being a good friend. Yes, committed relationships are worth fighting for, but if the other person has already checked out or has other opportunities they’re moving toward, don’t allow yourself to be someone who holds others back.

If you place your worth in the people around you, you’re gonna have a bad time.

It wasn’t until I admitted and owned the struggle of my past friendship vacuum that I realized I needed to figure out how to fill the need with something that isn’t dependent on others.  As much as I joke about needing handcuffs so my friends can’t leave me (never out loud, of course), life is change that doesn’t ask for permission. Finding security and love within myself and other stable places (family, faith, nature, etc.) is proving to be one of the best antidotes to my white knuckled grip on others and their opinions of me.

When someone no longer wants to invest in the friendship, know when it’s time to let go.

When my friendships changed, I interpreted it as rejection.  This led to feeling devalued and worrying that something was “wrong with me,” which bred insecurity I still carry now.  Don’t do this. Don’t fixate on where to place the blame. Don’t grasp for reasons that might not be there. There’s no nice way to put this, but sometimes people just aren’t that into you, and that’s okay.  You’re okay. Every relationship is not meant to last, and obsessing over the ones that are sunsetting could keep you from seeing the sunrises. You have value and goodness and beauty to share with the world.  Not everyone’s going to recognize it, but the ones who do are absolutely worth your time. The ones who don’t simply aren’t.

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Self awareness has been the first step to recovery, and If you have any other wisdom to add, I am all ears!  I have many years ahead of me still (I hope), and I’m sure I’ll go through plenty more ups and downs. My goal is to treat others and myself with grace and understanding.  To release control over my life and to not strive to change the things I have no power over. To be thankful for the friends I do have and to not waste my time on the people who aren’t interested in a two-way relationship.  In the end, that's the best way I can respect myself, and I hope my true friends keep me to it.

Minimalism in practice: social media

I wish I could pay someone money to opt out of ads in real life.  So far, no one's made an ad blocker for that, but Black Mirror makes me think it won't be long.  In the meantime, I fight the man by blocking every Twitter and Instagram account that advertises on my feed.  Yes, it takes time and yes, it's actually made a difference as far as Twitter's concerned.  I'm sure it's not likely, but I really hope someone at Instagram HQ starts to notice and blacklists me from ever receiving ads again.  I go to these apps for what I've subscribed for, and I don't want anything else invading that space trying to sell me something I don't want.

2017 was the Year of the Podcast for me, and one of the podcasts I consumed religiously was The Minimalist Podcast.  I've always loathed clutter, and it was so affirming and validating to find a group of people who agreed with me and my frustrations!  I think it was their episode about technology (or maybe this one about creating) that started to change my perspective on social media clutter.

It showed me I was contributing to it.

I was making the internet more cluttered.  I was filling it with content I thought people would like with the goal of wanting them to like (and follow) me.   I wasn't offering anything of real substance, I was playing the game to win, not to give, and what I posted reflected that.

As much as I'd love to have the perks that come with being internet famous, I've uncovered that it's more important to me to stick to my values about value.  I know I won't always get it right, and I know there are plenty of ways to define this, but moving forward, I want my contribution to matter.  If I don't believe my content will give value to others, I won't publish it.

Going one level deeper, I do want to reflect on how this newer perspective can lead to being overly critical and even afraid to speak, share, and create.  In fact, I already have internal struggles with what my voice is and what I should be saying, but I can take the time to figure that out and build on top of this new foundation I'm setting.  Regardless of how my voice evolves, I know Value will be one of the core pillars of my online presence.

Be the change you want to see in the world, even when it's something as trivial as what's trending on Twitter.

The perks of being an adult

What silly, frivolous ways do you do adult things, like buying pizza and hot chocolate because you feel like it and it's raining and what other late time second dinner could be more perfect for this dreary weather?

Here are some of my indulgences, made possible only by being an out-of-the-house adult with my own paycheck.

• Ice cream with breakfast.  Sometimes.  Just because.
• Spoiling myself with routine at-home face masks and skincare
• Buying organic as much as possible
• Staying home with a good book, a good tv show, or a good homemade meal instead of going out
• Applying to work at companies you love because who knows what could happen
• Taking a class on something new (I love Homestead Atlanta for this.)
• Cooking up a super fancy dinner at home with wine to drink and king crab legs to eat (because it's cheaper to buy and prepare it yourself and I'm still mostly frugal)
• Brunch!
• Buying the cute comfy underwear because why settle for anything less anymore?
• Choosing to drink tea for its health and calming benefits, but mostly because it feels luxurious, especially when paired with fancy mugs

What about you?  I'd love to hear how you treat yourself.  Share in the comments below.

Balance is fleeting

While listening to my mother-in-law one day, she dropped a serious truth bomb that came at the very best time.  She was talking about a young woman she's mentoring and about a conversation point they'd been focusing on.  Balance.

I don't think I'd known of the concept of life balance growing up.  My life was pretty well planned out, after all.  Wake up at 7:30, ride to school, classes all day, violin practice or volleyball practice, go home, dinner, piano practice, then read until bedtime.  It may have been a busy childhood, but I don't remember it ever feeling that way.  I remember things starting to feel hectic and out of control once I reached college and my schedule was completely in my own hands.  Between student government, volleyball, and class obligations, there was a boyfriend and friends to hang out with.  Before long, research papers were being completed the night before they were due, bedtime became a nebulous concept, my planner became invaluable, and stress was constant.

I think I crave balance so much because I know how hard the low times can be.  There's no time for what I really want, maybe even what I really need.  Dinners aren't homemade anymore.  Relaxing looks more like scrolling through Instagram.  Sleeping in becomes the ultimate luxury instead of long walks in the woods, brunch with friends, or flowers from the market.

The truth bomb from my mother-in-law was this:  Balance is fleeting, and as unpleasant (and unhealthy) a lack of balance can be, it's not something to be idolized or chased.  Heck, with the chasing comes even more stress!  There will always be an ebb and flow of chaos and tranquility, and when we look back on all our years, we'll see that the mountains and valleys would have come our way no matter how hard we tried to strive against the inevitable.

At the moment, I am in between jobs.  This year I've had more stress, depression, heartbreak, and numbness than any other year before.  When I first started writing this post, however, it was the early in 2016.  I'd like to leave you with  one of the paragraphs I'd written then:

I am currently in a fairly peaceful season.  I've been working part-time for a month and a half.  I've been enjoying staying at home with my dog most days, listening to music out loud, and catching up on reading.  It doesn't seem fair for me to be telling people to relax, but trust me when I say I've been there and when I say that balance is something that should be held with an open hand.

I know that something new will come soon that will require me to adjust.  My schedule will get fuller, and my life margins will get smaller.  Once more I'll have to shift all the pieces of my life again to make everything fit on the calendar.  I know now that prizing balance so highly could force me to compromise and miss out on valuable experiences, lessons, or opportunities to share with others.  As hard as it is, we have to make sure that we're able to roll with the punches.  The hair-pulling alternative never helped anyone, I promise.

When you live with BIG emotions

I don't know why I haven't written about it yet, but as a rule, my emotions are strong and many.  I've been described as tenderhearted and as sincere by folks who just met me.  My joy has been rambunctious and contagious (causing embarrassment for others at least once).  My compassion has stopped me in my tracks and kept me from eating.  Along with great feelings comes great heartache and despair.  When I have dark days, they're really dark.  More than once, I've been frustrated with God, at the end of my rope, and incessantly questioning Him about why I'm like this.

My husband is on the opposite end of the spectrum, by the way.  His story and experiences bred mistrust toward emotions in general, which translated to incredulity, frustration, and sometimes fear when I would come to him upset.  Needless to say, we had a hefty share of misunderstandings, hurtful words, and harmful actions between us.

For a few years now, I've gone to counseling, not because big emotions are bad or something to be fixed, but because I needed help handling them.  The process took me to a strange place of trying to place boundaries.  The boundaries helped me separate my emotions from reality and refrain from demanding my husband match my feelings when something was wrong.  The boundaries helped me stand up for myself, too, and kept me from ignoring my feelings and allowing them to be invalidated by others.

Talking out and winnowing down my thoughts into Facts and Feelings columns has helped me see where I might be giving into emotions when I don't have to.  Counseling gave me breathing room and a safe space to lay out and think about all the pieces of a situation instead of having to leap to my own defense against someone with a different perspective.  Both counseling and meditation have given me the tools to recognize and regulate my emotions, which means they overwhelm me less, and as cheesy as it sounds, the workbook Don't Let Emotions Run Your Life has also been really helpful.

For the religious among you who believe humans are created images of God, you'll appreciate how each of us reflect His character in a unique way.  I've found some relief in that belief: "If I hurt this much over the evil in this world, surely God hurts even more.  If I experience such happiness over good things, surely God is even happier."  Understand I'm not comparing myself to the divine, but normalizing my experiences.  Essentially, this is how I'm supposed to be.  Gaining a better grasp on my emotions so they don't blindside me so often is helpful for me and those around me, but the fact that I have such a broad and deep range of emotions is not bad or wrong and does not need to be changed.

Another thing that grounds me and brings clarity is the fact that emotions are the best means for connecting with others.  When I tell you how it hurt me when you made that comment, or when I share my elation over getting to meet a puppy, you get a sense of my experience.  This leads to understanding, and understand and communication are foundations of what relationships are, and I believe relationships will change the world.  If I can be a small part of that, then I'm all in.

So.

I feel much, and I feel it strongly.  Thank goodness I've made peace with who I am.  Double thanks for how my husband has also grown in his acceptance (dare I say, appreciation?).  Here's to emotional intelligence, to growing in understanding, and to being fully human and unafraid.

Allow yourself to be compelled.  Tenderness moves us to action.

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Further reading: Living with big emotions by Sara Tasker

Water the flowers, not the weeds

Much of this year has been a time of unrest for me, of distress, panic, fear, and vulnerability without comfort.  In the midst of this, a massage therapist shared with me that meditation could be helpful, and that led me to browsing the website of Ziva Mind, which she had recommended.  While I never did sign up for their subscription, I did find this one phrase that stuck out for me and brought fresh breath to my spirit.

Water the flowers, not the weeds.

When your days seem effortless and you're filled to the brim with thankfulness,
treasure these seasons of happiness.

When your control of situations slips with your grip,
dwell on where you are steady and secure.

When everything is something to complain about,
hunt for the blessings you haven't noticed yet.

Now this phrase just assumes that there are flowers with the weeds, which I wanted to point out.  There is something beautiful and worthy of gratefulness, no matter where you are.  I have yet to come across a story where that isn't true.  If you're where I was a few months ago, take heart.  When we dwell on the negative, it grows larger and stronger, even if it's just in our perspectives.  The same happens for the good when we dwell on it.

This is something I haven't taken to heart and action completely yet, but I know it will only benefit myself and others to focus on the positive and to allow that mindset to bring buoyancy to every area of my life.  To help with this, I have picked up meditation.  I'm nowhere close to being good at it, but just like yoga, it's something that you get better at with time, and even when you suck at it, it already has benefits to offer.  I plan on writing a post soon with some first impressions and ideas for getting started with meditation.

My question for you

How do you stay buoyant in your life?  In your crappy and straight up awful situations?  What keeps you strong or calm or persistent?  If you could start getting things right much earlier, what advice would you share with yourself?

You can see the page where I found this maxim here along with some great advice on managing holiday and travel stress.

Being effective in social change: Remember the bell curve

Image by Rebecca Monahan via Unsplash

Chances are, you've probably seen some excitement happening on social media these past few months.  Maybe you've even had some of these conversations in real life.  What I can guarantee you, though, is that you've come across people you don't agree with.  In fact, you've almost certainly talked with people who you believe are downright wrong.  I know I have, and it's made me very, very frustrated.

The problem comes with deciding what to do about it.  I've always enjoyed arguing with my peers, even before I knew to argue well or fairly.  Even now, sometimes I  want to shout out what I believe just to try and convince people to see things the way I see them.  I mean, I truly believe I am right and that it would benefit all these people to be blessed with my perspective.  I've got the facts, I've got the history, and I've got the rhetoric (sometimes).  Wouldn't the world just be so much better if they could listen and see what I have to say?

^ Surely I'm not the only one who thinks like this, and now that I've got us all on the same page, I want to step back and look at the other, more important facets of how these conversations pan out.

Regardless of whether you're bringing the most beautiful piece of truth to the world or not, your message isn't the crux of this situation.  What you have to say doesn't matter most.  What matters most is how receptive your audience is.

The Bell Curve

Back in 2015, my church hosted a panel discussion about the Ferguson protests and racial tensions in America.  I learned a lot that evening, and I want to share this one piece of the discussion that has stuck with me and that I've returned to so often since that night.

Whenever a new technology is introduced to society, it always has a gradual adoption.  A small few who were close to technology and who loved music bought the first walkmans.  Walkmans slowly caught on and then they were seen everywhere on the streets, in parks, and in the backseat of family cars.  After the rush died down, there were still a few stragglers who wanted to get their walkmans, too, so a smaller number brought up the rear of the walkman introduction.  The same thing happened with the iPod, then the iPhone, and the same thing happens with social change and perspectives.

You can see this bell curve in many areas of society.  The shift away from legal, and then away from any slavery.  The shift toward better nutrition.  The shift toward mandatory vaccinations.  (Hopefully we're just at the beginning of a bell curve toward organic and sustainable farming.)  It starts with a smaller number of people, then comes the swell, and then it tapers out as the last few folks come on board.

I've found it very helpful to to keep the bell curve in mind when debating, because it plays a large part in who is going to be receptive to your message.  For a practical example, let's pretend you're a civil rights activist in the '70s.  If you're trying to change the minds of the world toward viewing, treating, and respecting all people the same regardless of their skin, the people you're talking to about this progress fall into three categories.  Some of the population is already 100% on board with you or will agree with you very quickly.  A large majority will adopt this perspective a little later but they're also at least somewhat open to hearing about the change even before they themselves change.  Finally, another smaller number will change much, much later or maybe not at all.

While we'd love for everyone to adopt the practice of equality right away, the way you can be most effective and spread your message quickest is if you focus your efforts on the first and second groups of people.  When you find someone who fits into the third category, no matter what you tell them or how you say it, they are just not ready to listen.  We still want those hearts to be won, but that third group will take the most time and energy.  Knowing that ahead of time will hopefully show you where you might need or want to adjust so you aren't just spinning your wheels in conversation.

In Practice

Instead of discouraging you from speaking with anyone around you, I want to encourage you to speak to those who are ready to listen.   Haters are gonna hate, but you have waves to make! Stay focused, stay buoyant, and when you do come across a hater, don't let it get you down.  There are so many more people who are ready to listen to what you have to say.

A hopeful perspective for 2016 America

image : CNN

September 26, 2017 Edit:
I am embarrassed that it took me this long to write an addition to this post, but instead of turning my face for even longer, I wanted to finally voice my opinion that President Trump has let the American people down royally, let alone the world. While I stand by giving someone a chance, not holding their past mistakes over their future, and freely distributing grace to those promising to turn over a new leaf, it's hard not to judge my ideal self harshly when I remember that we knew what Trump was like all along. The Access Hollywood tape, the name calling, the disrespectful mocking. Of course we think of those things when we look at how he treats NFL players he disagrees with. Because it's all the same.

I hope to high heaven that the good that comes from Trump's presidency will be loud and strong: American people coming together against racism, bullying, and the idea that if you disagree with someone, they are less than you. May we take his example of how to not be a good human being to heart, and may we all be the change we want to see in this country and on this planet. May we not trust our government to do the good work for us, and may we stand up and kneel down for what we believe in. (end edit)

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Today has been an emotional and shocking day for myself and most of the people around me.  I have the privilege of having many friends in many circles, and I wanted to shed some light on little known perspectives that I believe will be helpful for both Trump and Hillary supporters.  I shared this message on my personal Facebook page, and I wanted to make it public here, too.

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Hey friends, I wanted to share a bit, please read.

The election results have been incredibly divisive today. If you haven't yet seen it, you should know that the majority of minorities (racial, sexual, etc.) (aka a ton of your fellow Americans) are hurt and afraid of a Trump administration. They are hurt and afraid because they believe that not only is our next president is sexist, racist, homophobic, xenophobic, and uncaring about our environment's well being, but that the half of America that voted for him is, too.

It is an unfortunate lie that a vote for Trump is a vote for hate, one that I know the media constantly portrayed (one example being the picture I used above from CNN's website). In fact, from what I've seen, most/many folks who voted for Trump didn't really like their choice, but they felt he had the best chance to bring change to the country or they voted for him only because they strongly stood for one point of his platform rather than everything he stands for. For example, many evangelical Christians who voted for Trump did so only because they think abortion is morally wrong. Plenty voted for him only because they thought it was a safer vote than Hillary, war-wise (no one wants another Vietnam). Some voted for him because they thought he'd be the best chance for a better American economy thanks to his business background and distance from the general politics arena. I'm sure many voted for him just because they're loyal to the Republican party.

To Trump haters: Don't allow yourself to believe that because Trump won so many votes that half of America is a hateful group of bigots; that's just not true. Sure, many of them are (there are jerks in every section of America), but that is not what a Trump win means.

To Hillary haters: Show the other half what your motives truly are through your actions. BE a better, kinder, more beautiful society. Be caring, be kind, and be gracious, especially during this highly emotional season for so many Americans.

To everyone: Respectfully listen to one another. We're all in this together, and we all ultimately want a better country. Discussion and respectful debates are the first steps to help us get there.

One silver lining I’ve been able to find is that I believe this will be a tipping point for our society, especially in Atlanta where I live. As we see the government shifting, may we realize that, really, it’s up to US to make America beautiful and great. It’s not the President’s responsibility to set the tone for our country, it’s ours. And how good is it that love and progress and equality are louder and more powerful than their opposites?

In that light, I think there can be great good that comes from this, on a more local, personal level, and that is one thing I can be excited about.

Like Hillary said in her concession speech, we owe Trump a chance to do a good job. I’m glad that he seems to be taking this seriously and his line “The forgotten men and women will be forgotten no longer” is something I will hold him to. So many Americans voted for him because they believe he will bring us good change. I AM nervous, but I'm also choosing to be brave and hopeful.

Finally, I know the fear refreshes every election cycle, but this is the first time I’ve been in the thick of things and with many friends who are so upset. I wish this wasn’t so divisive, I wish people weren't hurting so much, and I know we'll make it through. Feel free to comment or message me privately to further the conversation, and I hope your heart turns toward the good things in your life today. I'm going to be visiting a park with my dog later this afternoon myself.

Recommended further reading/listening:

It's Going to Be Okay, by Wait But Why

A great sermon by Louie Giglio about the Church's response to the election (for Christians, mainly)

Bite-sized stories from readers of The Hustle on who they voted for and why (Read this to start the trend of listening to others with differing opinions.)

The importance of reading

I've never thought about it much until recently, but reading makes a huge difference in a person.  In how they think, carry themselves, and engage with the world.  I've realized that it's almost easy to distinguish between people who read and people who don't without asking them explicitly.

My Personal Leadership professor, Dr. Myers, strongly encouraged us to read.  It's the easiest, most accessible way to expand yourself and challenge yourself.  Books are deep resources there for the taking, they're even free to borrow from the library.  Why not stretch and enrich yourself?

Little Ways to Make a Big Difference

 
With the summer heat bringing in a little bit of the doldrums, I wanted to drum up some ideas for small ways to stir some goodness into your life or the lives of those around you.

• Write good reviews for good places or tell someone about where to eat the best local ribs.  Read some inspiration here.
• Use the candles, lotions, and fancy cookies or coffee you've been saving for a special occasion.  Make today special!
• Instead of taking your phone to the bathroom (I'm not the only one, right?) keep a book you've been trying to finish on the bathroom counter.
• Look at the ingredients in your processed foods and cut out anything with trans fat.  There are lots of ways to eat healthy, but removing trans fat from your diet is a pretty easy place to start.  (Also, avoid drinking your calories.)
• Pay it forward at the coffee shop.  Maybe use the drive through if you're nervous but eager to make someone's day.
• Use the stationery you have laying around and write a letter to someone you've been wanting to get back in touch with.
• Actually floss.  Turns out is does amazing work at disrupting the bacteria making its home between your teeth.
• Refrain from angry or emotionally charged electronic conversations.  Some conversations are best held in person (or not at all, depending on the situation).
• Take an hour or two to help a friend move.  Many hands make light work, and they will appreciate you to the moon and back!
• Eat less tuna, salmon, and beef (and maybe meat in general) to help reduce, even just a little bit, the environmental impact your food has on our planet.
• When you appreciate someone, tell them.  Give more compliments.  Even to strangers.
• Bring flowers with you when visiting a friend, just for the heck of it.
• Send pictures of yourself to your mom and grandparents.  They love seeing your smile.
• If you think of a task you've been putting off, if you can get it done in 5 minutes, do it right then when you remember.
• Wear your prettiest underwear, just for you.
• Practice wanting less and consuming less and sending less to our landfills.  Even the biggest snowfalls start with one snowflake.
• Comment on the blog posts you read.  Let the author know you're there and you enjoy their hard work.  :)
• Spend time loving and enjoying yourself.  Speak kindly to yourself.  Give yourself the freedom to find bliss in your happiest of places and activities.

What would you add?  What things make you happy that you think we should try?  What small things have you seen make a difference for you or others?

The importance of self care

"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."
~ Bené Brown

This spring, I went through an incredibly stressful time, and I wanted to share a little about what I've learned in case it has the chance to speak to you, too.

This was a deep, emotional stress that shook many foundations  I've built my life upon, and it tore through my soul and actually my body, as well.  During the worst week of this tempest, my stomach felt sick, and my face broke out with the worst zits I've had since high school.  Thankfully, I was already in the process of seeking help through counseling, but this was a time when the cruciality of self-care was brought to the very front of my mind.  It wasn't the breakout on my face that caught my attention, but it was my counselor and friends telling me to do nice things for myself when I began to realize that I could do more to care for my soul, and that I should do more.  While I am blessed to have many people around me to love me, none of them has the same responsibility I have to myself.

It's very easy, I think especially for those of us who were taught that selfishness is wrong, to believe that it's not good or right to place so much emphasis on ourselves.  Take a moment to think, though, about what happens when you aren't cared for and when your needs become neglected.  What about when that happens over and over?  Is that transformation for the better?  While there is so much good that has come to this world through selflessness, your needs matter, too.

Now think of what the transformation would look like if you were given the time, care, and love you do need.  If you had boundaries around the part of life to you that matter the most.  If instead of harboring frustration and stress when you agree to handle something for a friend, you told them no.  Saying yes to one thing (peace of mind, for example) means saying no to something else (that extra project at work), and especially when you're first getting started in standing up for yourself, it will not feel fun.  But as Bene Brown has said, "Choose discomfort over resentment."  You are worth fighting for, your needs are worth defending, and and trust me, it's worth it.

Recognizing, respecting, and caring for your needs is all self care is.  These needs can be as basic as sleep, good food, and safety or more complex like emotional and mental health.  Routine self care, for me, includes firmly defending my bedtime, saying no to things I'm invited to but don't want to attend, keeping at least one evening a week to myself and whatever I want to do, and making sure I have sexy times with my husband and cuddle times with my dog on the regular.  I'd also like to add consistent exercise to the list at some point; I've been lax about taking care of that part of me.

When I need to go hard core with my self care (like during this spring), this involves as much time outdoors as I can manage.  Visiting parks and walking my dog help me clear my mind and bring goodness back into my life when I've gone off the deep end.

I want to tell some of my story so that it might reflect some light onto yours.  I believe everyone needs self care, and it's important to recognize what that looks for you.  You are different from me, and what settles your heart will be unique to your heart.  Parts of my husband's version of self care are solitude, video games, and reading.  What might help bring you calm?

I want to give a few more suggestions that might help job some ideas for how to care for yourself. 

The Quiet Place Project is an amazingly therapeutic online space where you can express anything on your mind and watch it fall into the starry sky.  I've visited this website twice, and I'm always amazed at how freeing it is to speak into this anonymous void.

Calm.com is a meditation app that can take you to a peaceful place in seconds.

Here are some lovely ideas for how to use self care to combat anxiety from Me & Orla.  (I love this list.)

I highly recommend reading this post about self care in the context of motherhood.  The author does a  great job of describing different situations and examples of where self care is absent and what the outcomes are.

Whether you're in a stressful place right now or if you currently have everything together, I encourage you and challenge you to some up with at least 3 things you can do to start tending to your soul regularly.  Build these habits now, because I promise you'll need them later.

Living Luxuriously

I couple weeks ago, I came home in the middle of a dreary, wet, and dark June afternoon.  After having such lovely weather for so long, I wasn't feeling the gloomy atmosphere.  I was also feeling chilled and even though it was nearly summer, it sounded like a good idea to warm myself up with some rich hot chocolate I had leftover from last winter.

For some reason, I had the idea to serve myself with the Chinese tea set my BFF Millie got me for Christmas last year.  Why not, right?  Sure it may have been meant for fancy tea, but why not make the hot chocolate fancy?

Long story short, my Kroger private selection hot chocolate tasted magnificent coming from the prettiest tea cups I own.  I also decided to leave my tea set out of its box from now own.  It's so beautiful, why not display it so I can actually see and enjoy it?

I hope this encourages you to think of some ways you can add unconventional luxury to your life, too!  Are there things you do now to bring more joy and fanciness to your day?  I'd love to hear!

When Evil Demands Response

I know many voices have been raised against the hate-fueled act of terrorism carried out this past weekend and week, and I believe it is important for me to add my own, even though I doubt I'm saying anything you haven't heard already.

It has taken me a long time, but I am finally learning that besides taking part or joy in the evil, one of the worst things we can do in these instances is to say nothing.  When we let these things happen without comment and without condemnation, is it not the same as telling the world it doesn't bother us?  Inaction is, in fact, an action.

Here in Atlanta (and also at my church), Martin Luther King Jr. comes into conversation often, and he's naturally one of the first speakers and activists I think of when I'm looking for advice on how to react in situations like these.

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"He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it. "

“The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people.”

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

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There is much I'd like to say in regards to the politics and public reactions I've come across this week, but today, this post is just focusing on what I believe to be the most important facet of this situation.  Evil is evil, we cannot stand for it, and we cannot let it roll over us without affecting us.  Let it move us to speak and move us to action.  Let it move us to love.

He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth124474.html

He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth124474.html

7 Ways to Make Exercising Not Suck

image by Curtis Mac Newton via Unsplash

Like I mentioned in my recent confessions post, I am not a usual exerciser.  I can't get away from this niggling feeling, though, that exercise is important, not because it can change how I look, because it keeps my body healthy.  I know I don't have to tell you how important or useful good health is, we all know the spiel.  We probably all know how annoying it can be to find a schedule and consistency, too, let alone a place to exercise where we don't feel self conscious or intimidated.

Well, the very good news is that exercise and health don't have to come from a gym.  I've had a membership at a gym for a total of one month of my life when I was living with my BFF the month before her wedding.  We would go together to this gym that was attended mostly by seniors, so there wasn't much pressure to impress anyone.  Going to a gym in the center of Atlanta, though, where gyms are filled with people who actually know how to use all those machines... no thanks I'll stay home and use a yoga video.

Thankfully, yoga videos are a legitimate avenue for good exercise.  If your goal is to get as fit as possible in as little time as possible, you're probably better off meeting with a personal trainer, but if you just want to build some strength and give your heart rate a high (three times a week is advised by the professionals!), there are a lot more options than going to the gym.

Here are 7 kinds of exercise that are actually enjoyable:

On tenderness

In light of last week's post about finding where our personal emotional and mental boundaries need to be, I wanted to share this quote from I've been saving it since I saw it on HelloGiggles years ago.  These words by Amelia Olsen speak from the female perspective, but knowing when to say yes and to say no is something everyone needs.  Don't forget that.

“Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah Blah Blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.“ Amelia Olson via HelloGiggles

Happy Monday, and have a beautiful week.

Why I won't be watching The Walking Dead anymore

via

Last summer, I finally watched my first episode of The Walking Dead.  I'd been curious about it for a long time, because the show has been shot all around the Georgia and Atlanta I know.  I'd been hesitant to check it out, though, because frankly, I'm afraid of zombies.  Silly and ridiculous, yes, but ever since nightmares from watching I Am Legend, I try to stay away.

I watched three episodes that first day.  I' was completely pulled into the stories of the characters, and it was really cool seeing the streets I drive on TV.  After turning off the screen, I couldn't stop thinking about the show, and I remember looking things up on IMDB and Wikipedia very late that night.  Unfortunately, I also couldn't stomach the violence and gore.  My friend Chris says it all looks hokey and fake to him, but I can't get past the blood and guts and screams.  It just felt real, and even though most of the killing is done to the undead, it also felt wrong, as if this wasn't how things are supposed to be.

Watching the show unsettled me in a way that scraped against my spirit.  I've been told before that I'm very tenderhearted, and I think it's true.  Compassion runs deep in who I am, and while it doesn't always express itself when I'm sitting in traffic, it is something that makes it difficult for me to watch violence.  I just can't do it.

After those first three episodes, I had to have a serious talk with myself.  I'd realized very quickly that watching The Walking Dead was bad for me, and not just because of the new nightmares that lasted for weeks.  Unfortunately, I had already latched onto the plot and characters, and I couldn't keep myself from wanting to know the rest of their story, but I also just couldn't keep watching the show.  I had to decide to separate myself from the show and abstain, and it wasn't easy.  I've since caught up on all the episode synopses online, and I still find myself wanting to watch it again, but I can't.  I know it's not good for me, and it's my job to protect myself, even the invisible and hard-to-understand parts of myself.

Most people aren't like me in this way, but I do want to encourage you to get to know yourself and your limits and then to set boundaries to empower yourself to have the very best life and environment you can.  Limits are not a negative thing, and learning to protect them is a valuable skill.  Other area where you could do this might include staying away from that person who brings out the worst in you or only agreeing to two outings per week.  Make protecting yourself a priority, even if it makes you look strange.  Remember that you are your own responsibility, and it's a sign of strength and courage to stand up for yourself when you need to.  Be brave, and be happy.

How to forgive old hurts when you're supposed to be acting like a grown up!

Last month, I was reading through my old journals and accidentally dredged up a memories of a friendship I was able to identify as unhealthy and hurtful.  It feels weird and silly to see how I got angry about how our relationship played out only years after the relationship ended, and the realization added a lot of weight to my life even after I put the journals back on the shelf.  Besides trying not to think about it, I had no idea how to resolve the unrest I'd brought into my heart.  It's not like I could interrupt this person's life, tell them how they hurt me, and then expect to feel better about it, right?  Right.  Very right.  Don't do that, Lindsay, you're a grown up.

I was able to talk with some friends last week about my dilemma.  Each of them are at least a few years older than me and have had their own hurtful relationships, too.  It was a comforting thing to remember that I'm certainly not the only one who's been through something like this and I'm not the only one who's made stupid friendship and relationship mistakes.  My friends reminded me that that's how we learn.  That's how we grow and discover more about ourselves and each other.  I don't have to be embarrassed, and I don't have to let this situation have control over me.

As for getting over the hurt and frustration and utter lack of closure, the only route I've found toward peace is through God.  I was taught a good deal about forgiveness growing up, but I was never very good at it.  Even now, I often have to forgive someone many times in my mind in order to continue letting go.  In this case, something's that's helped me significantly is releasing restitution and justice and any other responsibility over to God.  I'm not going to hold this person responsible for how they treated me anymore.  It's over and done.  What's happened has happened, and what will, will.

I believe that God will make everything right in the end.  He will heal my heart and He will heal the hearts of those I've hurt and who've hurt me.  One day, this frustration won't even be remembered, and when I put everything into this perspective, I can live with my stories and mistakes.  When I trust God to take care of me and my hurt and pain (and to take care of the other person, too), I don't have to worry about making others apologize.  It's freeing, as it should be.

image by NASA via Unsplash

I also believe that I have already been forgiven of more than I could ever pay for.  My relationship with and understanding of God is greatly humbling, and I hope to better live out what I believe through forgiving others and being a source of dependable grace and mercy.  I don't always act like a Christian should, but God help me, I will keep trying till my dying breath.

Whether we share the same worldview or not, I do hope that you find the freedom that comes with forgiveness, too.  May the best come your way.

Actually Life Changing Products from last year

I came across a few new things last year that actually changed my life, and even though I'm not being paid for it, I wanted to tell you about them so they can change your life, too!

Saddleback leather

I've used cross-body purses for years, and for years they've been made of fake leather and they fall apart after months.  For my birthday last year, Caleb gave me a large cross-body purse made of real leather, and I'm still so excited to have it!

We read about Saddleback leather on Reddit's Buy it for Life forum.  Turns out the company has a very loyal following, and now I'm part of the fandom, too.  Their 100-year warranty is wonderful, reading through the funny blurbs in their FAQ section makes me laugh, and watching their video on how to knock off a saddleback bag just seals the deal of me being a lifelong groupie.

Squarecash

My coworkers told me about this super handy app when we were eating out together.  Instead of splitting the tab at the restaurant and giving the waiter three different credit cards to charge, we're able to put all the tab on one card and then pay each other back through the Squarecash app!

It sends money from debit card accounts to debit card accounts for free, and you can use a credit card, too, but you'll incur a 3% fee for using a credit card.  Debit's worked just fine for me, and it's been a real sanity saver for those group meals!

Garlic rocker

I'd seen this version of a garlic press online, and when I saw one at TJ Maxx, I decided to try it.  It's possibly the best impulse buy I've ever made.  The garlic rocker is faster than a garlic press, it's easier to get the garlic out of the tool, and it's easier to clean!  I feel like buying them for everyone in my life, because they've made mincing garlic so much easier in our home! 

Seche Vite top coat

This top coat is magic.  I've never seen a top coat dry so fast, and with how often I paint my nails, it's become a permanent fixture in my polish collection.  You can buy it at any drug store or beauty supply store, or online!

TMI BONUS LIFE-CHANGING PRODUCT MENTIONED BELOW!

Stop here if you don't want to read about feminine hygiene!  :)

Menstrual cup

After reading some raving reviews about menstrual cups from girls online, I did my own research and decided to buy myself a Lunette cup.  It took a while to get used to and to figure out how to use it properly, but I'm so glad I stuck with it.  I've already saved lots of money by not having to buy tampons and pads for a year, and I've saved time by not having to run to the store to buy those things and by not having to change the bathroom trash as often.  If you're interested in hearing more or if you have any questions, please let me know in the comments or in an email.  I'd love to share more, and I think everyone with a period should give a menstrual cup a try, but I'm just not sure how much people want to know.