Back in America: The Fourth Month and What I'm Up To

Basically, I don't have a job.

But, I'm scouring the ads for one.  In North Atlanta.  In Administration.  I would love to be an Executive Administrator, but I know I'll probably have to work my way up to something like that.  I'd be very pleased to start a step above a receptionist.  I'd like to write our a whole cover letter about why I'd be great at the job, but I'll stop there.

In the hunting and waiting time, I'm volunteering for OM Arts.  It gives me something to do and helps me remember that normal people wake up before 8:00.

 It's normal, being back in America now.

The only thing that catches me off guard still is bathroom stalls.  The doors stop so far from the ground here!  In Korea, they stop about an inch from the ground.  And there were never gaps between the door and the walls.  Here, I often feel exposed in the bathroom stalls.  Tsk.

One other deeper thing is how I miss my students.  I do miss my friends, but it's true that their lives move on without me, and mine move without them.  It's okay.  We keep in touch, we know we can count on each other, and we live far apart.  It's okay.  Harder to accept is how I'll never see my students again.

I invested so deeply in those budding lives.  I love them very much.  Now, they don't need me.  Now, I don't know if they remember me.  Now, I can't make any contact with them at all.  I was hoping that the teacher to replaced me would post some pictures on facebook or that she would send me a message telling me how the children miss me, but I've gotten none of that.  I shouldn't have expected it, but it does make me sad.

I do think I'm near the end of the transition phase.  The hard part, at least.  I'll still miss Korean food, my kiddos, the subway, and all those other great things, but my life is becoming settled in here.  I would really like a job to help solidify that, but even, I'm pretty good.

Back in America: On the Transition of my Identity

I've been writing about transitioning to back to different foods, new friends, and old place.  Here I'm going to talk about the transition of my identity that has been necessitated by my move back from Korea.

First, I must say that, as a Christian, my identity is secure in Christ.  I believe that I have been created with God's divine inspirational for specific and thoughtfully orchestrated purposes.  I believe that the pieces of who I am have been carefully selected by a Creator who knows exactly what He's doing.  I believe that He delights in me, and that I am intrinsically valuable because I am His.  (I also believe the same thing about you.)

Second, I must say that I don't always act like I believe those things.

Third, I will confess that in the last 3 years, I've noticed a lot more insecurity in myself than I ever knew was there.  This stems from not being solid and strong in knowing that my identity stands in Jesus.

I'm broken, and I know it.  What you're about to read comes from someone working with the symptoms.

I Korea, I was an English teacher.  I was a dancer.  In other circles, I was the Christian.  I was the one who didn't get drunk.  In another, I was the loud one at Bible study.  I was the one sister in a group of dudes.  I was Kid Darkness.

Now, I don't have any of those labels.  I'm not automatically assigned "foreigner" status.  I can't connect with people because they're from the East Coast anymore.  I'm not obviously different from everyone on the subway.  (I don't even take the subway here.)

On one specific point now: In the West, your place in the world, your identity, is closely linked with your occupation.  I don't have anything to say when I'm asked, "So what do you do?"  I don't have a job.  (I don't have children loving me.  I'm not keeping up with my dance...)

I don't know where the lines are, but I think this is connected to the insecurity I wrote about a couple weeks ago.  Ah, wait, here's a line: As is natural, I've been sized up against the standards of society (like when people ask me what my job is), and I stand out as different because I don't have a job (which no one makes a big deal about).  I'm not in the standard of society because I just came from a different kind of position, and everyone I meet understands that and thinks it's fine, but I make a big deal about it in my mind.  I start to fabricate all these thoughts that must be going on in other minds.  No one else is comparing me to society, I do the comparing for them.  No one is telling me I'm less because I don't have a job or because I don't have a role in the community yet, I think that about myself automatically!  What the heck!?

Identity ≠ Occupation or lack thereof

Duh.

Identity ≠ Role in the community

 Yep, we know.

Identity ≠ Popularity

Well, obviously.

It's clear that my goals and my priorities have been misplaced.   Having my perception of myself being forcibly shaken up has brought all of this to the top of the tank and the front of my mind where it's much more difficult to ignore.  These insecurities have always been here, I'm sure, but the serious change that's scattered my mind has shed light on all of this.  I'm thankful to have people around me who help set me back on track, but I am still in the learning process, and it is no fun.  

Back in America: The Fourth Week

It's been a while since writing about the process of adjusting back to living in America.  I've been taking mental and physical notes about things I've noticed, though, so hopefully there won't be too many gaps between the information.

Observations
(The environment doesn't seem hostile...)

• Listening in on people's English conversations and finding out they're not that exciting. (fourth week)
• Still thinking I'm going to recognize everyone just because I'm "home" again.
• Still being cooled out that I don't have to use plug converters
• Hung out with new friends.  Didn't freak out.
• Realized in a heavy way that I do NOT want to live under my parents' roof for long.
• Girl I was walking with looked ahead, gasped, and said, "What in the world?"  It took me 10 seconds to realize she was talking about the SUV parked on the sidewalk.  People don't do that here, now do they.
• I don't feel the need to eat everything with chopsticks anymore (sixth week)
• Coffee is way too expensive.  I thought that was only in Korea.
• Panera upped their prices.  Lame.
• I was so happy when I slipped into Taco Mac with all the Falcons fans during the Championship game with the 49ers.  Everyone wanted one thing, for the Falcons to win (I wanted that, too!), and it was all about American football.  It was really cool to be happy about that.
• I was somewhere where I literally could not understand this one speaker because of his super thick Southern accent.  (eighth week)
• I ate kimchi and it was spicier and not as delicious as I remember.  :'(  (tenth week)
• I was excited to participate in a Super Bowl party and recognized it as a good thing because, Hey, Go America!
• I turned on the television to watch a TV show for the first time in maybe 2 years.  (eleventh week)  (Community!)

That's me in America!
Caleb and I have picked up a interest in taking pictures together.  We've walked downtown Newnan twice.  This is a picture Caleb took in one of the alleys there in December.

Deeper Observations
I'm now in my 11th week here, starting out in my third month.  I've been able to meet with some others who have been through similar experiences, I've gotten to read a few books on the topic of reverse culture shock, and I've found a great group of friends who are starting to make me feel like I have a spot here.  All those things are very good and have been extremely helpful.  My parents, too, have been understanding and patient which has helped me feel comfortable in our home.

I still have trouble talking about everything that goes on in my mind, though.  Actually, no, I can talk with strangers freely, but when I'm talking with family and friends, I'm worried about saying something that will offend them or that will hurt their view of me.  Just yesterday, I met up with a stranger for lunch.  She had traveled a lot, too, and encouraged me with questions about my experiences in Korea and my experiences here now that I've returned.  I spilled to her about some of the top issues I've been working with.  A month earlier, I was in an interview with a guy who said, "So what's it been like, now that you're home?"  I told him I usually don't talk about it very deeply because I'll start saying some harsh-sounding things, but he said, "No, man, I really want to know.  You're in a safe place."

The hardest person to talk with about everything has been Caleb, my boyfriend and best friend.  Here now, I want to tell you about the breakthroughs we've had.

Caleb loves his country, and I've felt uncomfortable saying negative things about it.  He didn't like hearing them, either.  Not in a, "Don't say that!" way, but in a "Aw, this is such a bummer you feel this way," way.  He and I would both feel off when I would bring up something I didn't like about what I was seeing, and one night we had a small explosion.

We discussed.  He was upset with how he perceived that I wasn't giving America many chances.  I would say that I didn't like it here, and then I would point out all these small things that irritated me, and those things aren't good reasons to not like a place.  I was upset by how I felt he wasn't being patient with me, and I told him that that's not why I don't like America, I don't like being here because I don't have a life here.

That was the kicker.

We slowly put the pieces together to realize that Caleb had been thinking I was upset with America because of those irritating things, but really I was sad because I missed my friends, my job, my students, my dance class, my city, and my home.  When I realized that Caleb had thought I was mad because of the irritating things, it made much more sense why he had been acting the way he'd been acting.

I still feel like it's risky to talk with him about American things I notice or things that get under my skin.  I still tread lightly.  But!  Just this last week, I found another very important thing to keep in mind.

I've made it very clear in my conversation, actions, and writings that I returned to America to invest in my relationship with Caleb.  He knows that.  Everyone knows that.  So, when I talk about missing Korea and about not liking it here, well geeze, how would it make him feel to hear that?  At the end of one of our "Lindsay Misses Korea" conversations, I ended with, "But, Caleb?  I do not regret leaving, and I am very glad to be here with you."  He told me that it was good to hear me say that, and he asked me to tell him that again in the future.  Aha!  Knowing how important it is for Caleb to know that I wouldn't leave him if I could make the decision again sheds much more light on how he feels when I talk about America and reverse culture shock.

Little by little we're getting closer and learning more about how to talk about and handle my transition.
I hope we win.

My insecurities

Heads Up

This post comes from someone in the alienation phase of reverse culture shock (also known as the irritability and hostility phase).  The thoughts and emotions expressed here seem more dramatic than usual, but this transition makes life more dramatic than usual.  Also, my heart has been hurt.  For some reason, I've decided to write about it.

Is security with yourself something you're born with and is then taken away or is it something you have to learn and be taught?

You know, I have friends younger than me and older than me who aren't afraid of what people think of them.  They are so confident being themselves.  They are beautiful, vibrant, and interesting.  I like to think most people are beautiful, vibrant, and interesting, but these people I know are so unapologetically bold, that they stand out in just the right way.

I wish I were like them.

I with I didn't care about being popular and about everybody liking me.

Be true to yourself.  Don't worry about what other people think.  Their approval isn't important.

SO WHY DO I WANT THEIR ACCEPTANCE??!!

My feelings get hurt when I'm not included.

I worry about being weird when I get a strange response from something I said.

 I imagine I'm friendless when I discover I haven't been invited to that thing everyone else is going to.

I feel foolish when I realize I am embarrassingly inappropriately dressed for a night out at a bar.  (I didn't know what people wore for those kinds of evenings.)

So I'll try to remember the things my brave, secure friends said or what they would say.

Why would I want to be close friends with those people anyway?  Their lifestyle isn't the one I always want for myself.

One of the reasons you weren't invited was because you were usually with a different group of friends, right?  And you really enjoyed being with that group, didn't you?

You were made to be you, you have been given a personalized collage of God's own personality, you were made for Him, and you were not made for others.

Actually, I really just want a hug and for someone to tell me I'm okay.  I don't want to hear these words from me, I want to hear them from someone who loves me.  It's when these truths come from a voice that I trust that they mean something.  Right now, they're only half truths.

But, I bet I'm not alone.  I do know that much.  And I know I do have people who love me.

One day I will be in a place where I completely belong.

I've been yearning for that day and that place a little more than usual lately.
It gets better, I know, but I wish I were more resilient and that I arrived at these low places on a much rarer basis.  Is security something you can learn at 24?

Back in America: The Second and Third Weeks

Following up with what's been going on in my soul since returning to America, here are a few of the aspects I remember (or noted down) about the second and third weeks.

Week #2

Koreans do celebrate Christmas, and they do decorate for Christmas, too, a little.  Usually it's the department stores and coffee shops that put on the lights and decorations.  The apartment buildings... nope I've never seen them decorated.

Coming back to America during Christmas time was like an added culture shock of sorts.  (Just a little one.)  I'd already been in the habit of mentally pointing out everything that seemed new, different, strange, and weird about America, and the Christmas decorations got thrown into the pile every so often.  I felt like a total Grinch, but when I saw Christmas-y things, I thought, "Why are people spending money on this?"

I do know that I've been feeling like Charlie Brown for the last couple years, though.  The commercialism has gotten right under my skin since my senior year of college.  I've even started differentiating between the cultural community holiday of Christmas (which celebrates family, joy, and peace) and Advent (which celebrates the coming of the Salvation of the world in the baby Jesus).

That's getting off topic.  The point I was trying to make was this: Christmas was weird to me, and I didn't like it very much.

Back in America: The First Week

When you hear me talk about America for the next couple... months, you can expect honesty.  I have had mixed feelings about America for a while, I have been in a different culture for 16 months and I now have a different country and system to compare America to.  I'm able to see things more objectively, but I am also terrible biased towards Korea and against America at this time.

I want you to know that I am not planning on having these negative feelings forever.  I hope that I'm able to work through them and reconcile them soon.  I do know that this will take time, grace and understanding, not just on my part, but from the people around me, as well.

With all that said...

My first steps off of the plane in Atlanta, I already had a disgusted look on my face.
"America.  Ugh.  Non-Asian people.  Ugh.  English.  Ugh."

(I told you I was going to be honest.)

Leaving Korea

I wasn't making it public knowledge that I would be returning to the States on November 26th because it was a secret that I was returning to surprise my boyfriend for his birthday on November 29th.  The surprise went splendidly, and it's wonderful being around Caleb again.

It is important to know that choosing to return to America was choosing to actively invest in my relationship with Caleb.  In Korea, I had many, many things going for me.  I had a job I loved and students who loved me.  I had a home at my church and brothers and sisters to talk and play with.  I had a dance team and lessons available in styles that I enjoyed.  I was living in a vibrant city with so much to offer.  I'm sure that if you caught me on an off day I'd find things to complain about, and I am glad that I just missed the bitter Korean winter.  Beyond the trickiness that came from working with the system of my private school and the cultural differences that made relationships and communication difficult, Korea was wonderful.

Preparing to leave the life I grew in Korea ripped me to shreds.  Two weeks before I left, I was weeping as I thought about leaving my students.  I cried about not getting a solid closure of a good bye with most of my co-workers.  Packing was such a daunting and heartbreaking task, I put it off as long as possible.

A week before I left, everything I did was labeled as "The last time I..."  The last time stepping out of Sinsa station.  The last sermon I'd hear at Jubilee.  The last Monday teaching Elegance Class.  The last Tuesday.  The last...

The last week raged forward with no mercy.  My replacement was at school, there was training to do, future syllabi to write, and loose ends to tie up all over the school.  I was worried that I would feel the time slipping through my fingers.  I was worried I would feel like everything was suddenly ripped out of my arms before I had a chance to say proper good byes and to give proper hugs and kisses.

Therefore, I was amazed, so amazed, when I found myself in the Incheon airport without a tear in my eye.  No sobs.  No freak out moments.  The time was here, and that was okay.

My last week had been insanely busy, yes, but I did have dinner dates set up for every evening of the week.

Monday: David and Sim, my krump buddies
Tuesday: Alice Nam, my Bible study leader and mentor

Wednesday: Nicole, my best girlfriend in Korea
Thursday: "Ann," the lady I tutored (We had Thanksgiving dinner together this night.)

Friday: Staff good bye and welcome party

Saturday: Co-worker Thanksgiving and church Thanksgiving

It's hard for me to believe because, when I put reality up next to what I expected my last week to be, there is no similarity at all.  But talking with each of my dinner dates helped me, little by little, accept and prepare for leaving Korea.  David and Sim told me to not stop dancing and to not let myself slip into a comfortable life.  Alice gave me encouragement and wisdom about returning to America.  Nicole gave me rest and understanding and love in so many areas.  Ann reminded me that I wasn't the only sad about my departure and of how important it is to keep in touch with the people I love whom I'm leaving behind.  Friday's staff party let me relax and have fun after a stressful week.  And being with my church friends one last time reminded me of how much I am loved and how rich I am in friends.

And saying good bye to my students?  On Friday, my last day, the preschool classes had a field trip to a science museum.  I think my supervisor had a hand in this: my co-teacher was assigned to a different class, and I had Elegance Class all to myself.  Six of my most favorite people in the world held onto me every chance they could and ran around pulling my arm and saying "Teacher, what's that?!"
"I don't know!  Let's go find out!"

Three hours of that made me the happiest teacher in the whole world.  I know it sounds cheesy, but the love was all over the place.  We were having the best fun.  No one worried about me leaving, we just enjoyed what was in front of us.  It was beautiful, and I could not have asked for a better last day.

One of my foreign co-teachers, Blake, and I share a class.  He let the 5 students use his entire class period to write notes and letters and to draw good bye pictures for me.  It was so very good and fulfilling to know that I'd made such a difference in these kids' lives.  We were all sad, but this is the kind of situation I think Dr. Seuss was talking about when he said to be happy that things have happened and not upset that they're over.

There's a lot more to the story, but it has to do with the Returning to America part as opposed to the Leaving Korea part.  I still have hard times accepting that I've left Korea.  I've been in America for only 20 days, and the adjustment has been rough in different ways.  If you follow the blog, you can expect many ramblings on the topics of reverse culture shock, the differences between America and Korea, and how my loved ones and I are dealing with the process.

But hey.  Here's this.  I've had a life changing 16 months.  Who knows what the next 16 months will be like? In the near future, I'll be celebrating Advent and Christmas with family and friends.  I'll be going to the Passion Conference in January.  I'll be attending a holiday swing dance next week.  Also, I plan to volunteer at OM Arts for a brief time as I work out the employment situation.

Stick with me, friends.  It's been a bumpy (but blessed, if I can say that without sounding like a total dork) ride.

Returning to the States: Things I'm excited about

With quite a few less than 75 days before my contract extension reaches its end and I leave Korea for Home, I do believe it's time to start preparing myself for the transition.  I've been dreading this for months now, and I know there will be many tears during my departure weekend, but I'm looking forward to it now much more than I was earlier, and I'm hoping that I can keep progressing in this direction.  Maybe I'll be emotionally ready when my time is finally come.  I would really like that.  To help me along, I've made a list of things that I'm really happy for about moving back to the States.

I've made a list like this before in May, but I only came up with 4 things.  They're still good and exciting things, but I'm glad I've found a few more.  :)

• Being with Caleb again!
• Being with my family again!
• Being with my friends again!

All right, beautiful people now aside, here's the rest.

I should note, my recent holiday in the Philippines helped me think of many of these things.  The people there are so friendly and beautiful, and it was hard to return to fast-paced Seoul after being in their care.  I still love this city, but I was strongly reminded that there are other things to love, too.

So!  I'm excited about...

• Having my computer speak to me only in a language that I know.  No more Korean ads before my Youtube videos.  No more confusing Korean pages about who knows what popping up when I try to get to certain websites.
• Southern hospitality! People will most likely say "sorry" when we bump into each other!
• I will be in a culture where, yes, staring is still rude, but I will be allowed to look at people's faces and smile at them.  I cannot wait for that again.
• Seeing different kinds of beauty!!  Guys, I'm so excited about this.  Korean beauty is very pretty, but it's usually the only kind I see, and I miss all the others.  Let me tell you! I was in Itaewon (foreigner hot spot) a month ago.  I saw a beautiful African lady there.  I was so arrested by her beauty, I was staring.  In the Philippines, I was taken with the curves and round faces of the girls there.  Geez, I cannot wait to get back to the Melting Pot.
• Having different cuisines readily available.  Hooray for Mexican, Chinese, Greek, Middle Eastern, Japanese, American, Italian, German, and all the other foods!  Korean's good, but so is everything else.
• Being able to ask questions!!  It was so nice being in the Philippines for a few days and knowing that I could ask for directions and be understood.  I am not fluent in Korean, and I cannot complain because that is my own doing, but I am really looking forward to be in a country where my tongue is the native tongue.
• Being in a place without sky scrapers.  I will get to see many stars soon!