Sunday, December 23, 2012

Let the weights fall.

My ex-boyfriend got married last weekend.

I've been feeling some different feelings, and I do think that's okay, but it's felt awkward having them inside and wanting to talk about them but not knowing who with and would that person just think I was being melodramatic anyway because, gosh, didn't you guys break up over 3 years ago, and aren't you in a great relationship with this other guy now?  Well, yeah.  I know how ridiculous it is to be thinking so much about it. I know how ridiculous it is to then even write about it.  And I know how ridiculous it will be when said ex find this on the internet and thinks, "Gee whiz, this girl has got to get a grip."

In my defense: No worries, bro, I'm cool.  I'm cool.  There's no pining going on here.

I think what's got me with my head cocked to one side is this issue of the lack of closure.

It's unfortunate, it really is.  And, when we were still talking, he and I had apologized, accepted apologies, spoke cordially to each other, and made motions to move on.  After all this, however, I started to look back on different facets in our relationship and I started to find more and more that didn't make sense.  More red flags, more hidden hurts, more things I was able to recognize as negative for the both of us.  It was during this discovery that anger and bitterness started to seep in.

I like to pretend that, if I were to be in the same situations now that I'm 24, that I'd recognize damage for what it is.  I like to think I'd be able to sense when insecurities were starting to speak and also to shake.  I hope that I'd stand up for myself and for who I've been so happy to become.  Unfortunately for all involved, I was not as strong then as I'm told I am now.  I let myself believe things I shouldn't.  Even worse, I started to blame him for making me believe those things.

I have a friend who also date this fellow.  She dated him before me.  It was awkward between her and I for a few years, but after he and I broke up and after time let things settle, this girl invited me to Korea, we started chatting, and we've become excellent friends.  We met this past week for lunch and talked about everything, including this recent marriage of the boy.  Listening to her speak of him and his future aroused a sincere admiration for her and for the growth and maturity she displayed in her speech.  She has been able to reconnect with him as acquaintances and as distant friends.  She is able to be happy for him and his new wife.  She understands how I feel, yes, but she has walked even further up the road of understanding to somewhere I haven't been able to go yet.

I wish I had that.  I wish I'd had the chance to yell and scream and to get everything out that has creeped in and made me resentful.  I want it off my chest and out of my life.  Not him, it's not him that I want out of my life, it's the nasty feelings I've put around him.  They aren't helping anyone.  They certainly aren't making me feel any better.  They're clouding those two years with a sticky fog that makes the good parts hard to see.

And, you know, there were many good parts.  I still have records in my journals and memories, too.  I know that this guy is not for me, but I know that he would be good for someone.  And, you know, I think it's nice that he's found that someone to be good for.

My BFF Millie said something very wise to me about this.  She told me, Lindsay, you have grown a lot in these last few years.  I am certain that he has, too.

Ah.  Ah, yes.  That makes a lot of sense.

It's... childish of me to think that he hasn't changed.  It's unfair for me to not be gracious and to pin only the bad memories on him and our relationship.  I want that to change.  I'm going to do something about it.

Dear Ex,

I feel bad that it's taken me so long to be able to say this with a contrite heart, but congratulations!  I'm glad that you've found what I'm sure is happiness.  I'm sorry that I've allowed myself to harbor such bitterness towards you.  I'm sorry that I didn't have things worked out in my head in time to talk them out with you when we had those apologies on chat.  You hurt me in ways that I didn't realize, and I've wanted you to know how and I've wanted to hear you say sorry.  I'm going to grow up.  I know that you're sorry and that you didn't mean to cause this damage.  I know it might sound very puffed up, but I'm being very vulnerable here.  I forgive you.

I wish you the best.  I'm happy for you.
Oh!  And thank you for all of the good that you did for me.  There was a lot.
Should we meet again on this side, I think it would be a good meeting.

Lindsay Eryn McKissick

And  that's what I call closure.


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